Abusive Men and the Second Wife

There are many times I wonder if my abusive ex-husband is nicer to his new wife than he was to me.

My Abusive Ex-Husband’s Wife
My ex-husband’s wife tells my daughter I am crazy.  No doubt these are things my ex-husband as told her about me that she is repeating.   I am unable to get inside her mind to know why she might believe I am crazy, however I think it is not very normal or healthy that she tells a young child these things anyway.   My daughter once said she her her father say to his wife, “She has a big caboose.” Sorry, but there is nothing nice about that comment.  My ex-husband was always full of criticisms disguised as ‘jokes’.

She also transferred to my daughter’s school three years ago and created all sorts of problems.  Almost daily she would show up in the cafeteria, when my daughter was eating lunch, and give her some sort of gift (candy, pencils, and other gifts).   Initially my daughter really enjoyed receiving these gifts & attention.  However, very quickly it started to make my daughter feel very uncomfortable.  Especially when her friends began to get jealous and when they would ask this was her mom.

Given all the all the crap my ex-husband’s wife pulled we certainly think less of her.  Not sure what she was thinking when she transferred to my daughter school as an assistant teacher and it created major problems between the school and myself.  Although, to this day I am more pissed of that the school for not protecting our daughter and staying neutral.  You can read that sorted story under What a Tangled Web they Weave.

She also sent me an email not too long ago with the suggestion that I have some mental illness that I should look into.  I will admit I was rather unhealthy when I was married to my ex-husband but I feel pretty okay now.  Occasionally, when we deal with some of these insane situations my ex-husband has put us through it makes me question my own sanity.  I remember someone once said, “How can you expect to react normal to constant abnormal situations?”  I guess that is a good point.  I did my best to disconnect when my ex-husband would threaten to take me to court or take my daughter away.

I do try to encourage my daughter not to talk about her father and step-mother unless it is a situation where she feels in danger.  If it is just negative talk from them I have suggested she talk to my husband because he is not emotionally involved and it won’t hurt his feelings.

However, when I hear that things sound exactly the same when I lived there is certainly reassurance that I did the right thing by getting out.  My ex-husband’s new wife cleans his house, does all the shopping and often takes care of our daughter for him.  It sounds like she doesn’t like cleaning up after him, I didn’t like that so much either, but if she doesn’t clean up it will not get clean.  I remember when I was married to my ex-husband he only cleaned the house when his mother was coming to visit.  I am not talking about just vacuuming the house but scrubbing it spotless like a hospital.  Not sure whatever dysfunctional reason that was for.

Also, my ex-husband never slept in the same bedroom with me.  He slept in our guest bedroom which I always thought was strange.  He use to say it was because he snored but I think he just preferred to be in another room.  He doesn’t sleep with his new wife either.  Sorry, but I think this is very strange.  One of my very best friend’s parents slept in two different rooms and even as a child I thought that was unusual.  Perhaps it is more common than I know but I wouldn’t think this makes for a healthy marriage.

Another thing is the guest-bedroom is right next to our daughter’s bedroom.  This really bothered me when she had all those complaints going on about her vagina hurting.  I wonder if I will ever know the truth about what those complaints were all about.  Plus, it just stopped all of a sudden when she was 9 years old.  There was never a medical explanation for her complaints.  This story is in the post Abusive Experiences – Journal Email Entries 2006.

My Abusive Father’s Wife
My abusive father was awful to my mother and they divorced when I was a very young child.  Well, it was more like my mother fled from my father and moved as far away as possible.  My father was physically & emotionally abusive to my mother.

It was about 8 years ago he was married to his new wife.  When we spoke I really liked her and I could really identify with her.   She was very nice to talk to whenever we spoke.  I was under the impression that my father was really nice to her, but recently learned he very verbally abusive to her too.  You may have read one of my earlier posts Accepting Unacceptable Behavior where I posted a version of my father’s story.   He certainly made it sound like she was a gold-digger.  However I liked her when I first met her and I had a hard time believing his version of the story which made her sound completely different.   However, she recently emailed me and I think his version probably contains less of the truth than hers.  She said she really stood up for my mother when he would talk about her the way he did.  My father felt she was being extremely disloyal for not siding with him.

What’s Her Story?
So when men talk about their ex-wives you need to consider talking to her before your believe it.  In the book Why Does He Do That?, the author he says this very same thing.  He says you should get the ex-wive’s story even if you do not believe her because you may find out it is the same story you are coming to know.

Was It All Her Fault?
Does he ever say he did anything wrong?  I am not talking about a comment that says he was mean to her because she cheated on him.  What was his part in the relationship going wrong?  It is usually never 100% one person’s fault.  I do believe in an abusive situation I do believe you are at a disadvantage for keeping calm.  My ex-husband really worked hard to upset me.  Looking back I realize that was so he could say, “You do it too.” -or- “Look how you are acting, look how crazy you are.”  All this designed to make sure he could say ‘I was wrong’ or ‘we were both wrong’, because he never said ‘he was wrong’.

What was my part?   Yes, my ex-husband was abusive, but I picked him.  He was kind of a jerk when we were dating but I was too insecure to break up with him or not okay with being alone.  I also picked him for all the wrong reasons.  I am not sure I was really looking for a ‘nice guy’ when I was younger.  I know I thought of my ex-husband as being ‘gorgeous’ and I think that clouded my judgement that he was an asshole.  It is true things got much worse as we continued to date and especially after we were married   However, he was never a really good guy that just magically turned into an abuser one day.

I Am a Second Wife
Now, I am a 2nd wife now to my husband too.  I have not heard his ex-wive’s story directly.  However when we first met five years ago, she wasn’t even showing up for her visitations with her daughter.  She also was not paying child support each month, it was only $200 a month.  However, two years ago she was in trouble with the state for not paying child-support and she wanted my husband to just agree to waive it.  The child support office treated my husband with disdain at first when they thought he the one not paying.  They changed their tune really quick when they realized he was the custodial parent and it was her mother not paying child support.  They told us he couldn’t sign it without going to court to get it changed.

He tried to tell his ex-wife this very thing and then she turned around and sued us for custody.  This frivolous suit ended up costing us $2,000 to have our attorney just send responses to her suit.  It was a complete waste of money and it caused some trouble here for a while.  In the end it all worked out and unfortunately it gave his daughter (our daughter) a different opinion of her mother and really helped her bond with me.  So, there turned out to be a silver lining with that situation.

My Abusive Ex-Husband
My ex-husband has done some pretty crazy stuff that my husband was able to witness.  He certainly does not like my ex-husband, but I believe more for his behavior than my stories.  My husband has learned a few interesting thing when he has to deal with my Ex.  He knows my ex-husband likes to talk about himself and will distract him by complimenting his truck or whatever.  My ex-husband doesn’t even see that and gets really excited and goes on and on about himself.   Wow, this really made me think about the song originally written & performed by Carly Simon, performed by Brooke White “You’re So Vain”.  Haha!

Things to Consider
Whether you are the first wife, second wife, third wife… to an abusive man you  might wonder if he is being nicer to his new wife or girlfriend.   You also might be wondering if things will be different with you.   Unless he has done some seriously soul searching it is unlikely he has changed.  However, I suppose it is very possible that you or the new wife/girlfriend may respond to his behavior differently or perhaps it just hasn’t escalated enough yet.  My dad was with his new wife for four years before she finally decided to get out.

When I was starting to date again, I knew it was very likely I could pick the same type of relationship I had with my ex-husband.  I knew I needed some time to get to know myself and what I liked.  I had a pretty good idea of all the things I didn’t want in a relationship but not clue what I did want.  Also, I was able to witness my mother never picking a decent man.  So, I knew I had to be extra cautious with any man I picked.  Currently, my husband and I are going on four years and I think we are doing pretty good.

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One thought on “Abusive Men and the Second Wife

  1. I almost married an abusive man. I would of been his second abused EX wife. Very early in the relationship he dogged his ex-wife. He has two young kids with her. I would ask questions about his marriage and he would complain about everything she did was wrong. Red flag! Within six months he was extremely jealous, emotionally and physically abusive to me. He tried to isolate me from my family and was really mean to my daughter but excused everything his kids did. I remember eating dinner with him and his kids, he was telling his girls how to fight and hurt other people. How to throw a punch that hurts and causes pain. Yikes!! They were only 8 and 9 years old. I gave back his ring and took my daughter away from what would of been hell on earth for us. Abusers true face will come out within six months of knowing them. Do not ignore any Red flags. I’ve dated normal good men and he was nothing like what I have experienced and glad to say he is the last abusive man I will be with. Lesson learned.

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