Archives

Ignore the Crazy: Emotional Abuse

Lately, I have noticed I have received less emails from my abusive ex-husband… thankfully. However, more emails have been coming from his wife. Makes me feel he is sending his minion to do his dirty work. This past week, I was out of town traveling for work and I received this email from his wife. This confused all of us and still doesn’t make sense. Maybe it isn’t nice to call her a minion, but I truly wish she would open her eyes!

Actually, when I received this email I was rather confused. Isn’t our daughter 18 1/2 now? Doesn’t she have her own car? Aside from being confused, I wondered what was the trap. It does seem like my ex-husband and his wife are always scheming. I don’t think I am being paranoid. The decree states that she comes over on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend and she hasn’t been doing that for the past year.

Divorce Decree Email

[To Me]

For the remainder of this school year, 2017-2018 [daughter’s name] will keep to the schedule of visitations per the divorce decree. That will be as you know 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends of every month. She is used to the decree routine, so going forward she will follow those scheduled visitations.

It is imperative that school is her focus this year. She will need to be picked up and dropped back off at our/her residence each visitation.

[From said Minion]

A week ago, I just have a conversation with my daughter (via text) and she was a little mad at me for inviting her over to this house. She perceives that as pushing my husband on her. Really, I am just tired of trying to live this separate relationship. She had commented that having a relationship with her just wasn’t enough for me. My response was that I didn’t know how answer that and I would just say goodnight for now.

My Husband’s Response

None of this makes any sense to me. I am not saying my daughter is crazy in this blog post subject line. I am still confused as to what their goal was in sending that email. When I sent this email screenshot to my husband his response was this:

Just reply “ok”

Or “k”

If it was I would “ok b*$%*” but that is just me. Wonder why she can’t drive? Does she even want to come over? Weird right

I don’t think it is a game

Don’t worry they don’t follow the decree anyways

Perhaps their point was to send this while I was out of town? I had told my daughter I would be traveling and it is possible they knew I was out of town? Maybe I need to not tell her when I am traveling, for now. It does seem like these types of emails arrive while I am traveling.

My Friend’s Response

I had also sent this email screenshot to my best friend and she replied with these statements. There was a little back and forth from me that I won’t include. She was just as confused as I was about that email.

What’s this all about? Why did she send this to you? You don’t have to pick her up if you don’t want to. Plus that means that you will have her all weekend if she is willing.

They are wanting a break.

That’s it.

They never asked you to adhere to the decree. Meaning get her every other weekend. They made it her choice, correct?

Oh, I think they need or want a break. Desperately!

Even a judge would say that. Can’t force them.

Also, have you thought that maybe they’re going to say you’re forcing them to stick to the decree 1st, 3rd, and 5th. That maybe they’re going to manipulate the whole situation that you’re expecting her there every other weekend and that if she doesn’t that you’re going to take them to court. This could just be a game.

I wouldn’t write back to [said Minion].

I would go directly to [my daughter’s name] and keep it straight. your stepmother and dad want me to adhere to the decree. Send the email to her like you did with me. Proof that you’re not lying.

Then ask her what she wants because it’s up to her anways. She is 18 now. Even a judge would say they can’t make her go. That’s what happened to [her son’s name]. The judge didn’t force him to see his mom at 16, 17, and 18.

At any rate, it helped to bring in the ‘rational reinforcements’. The people who could read this email and end up with the same questions I did. In Alanon, they have a statement that says, “Your mind is a dangerous place, don’t go there alone.” When dealing with abusive people, they can get in your head, and twist your mind up. Suddenly you do not know up from down or right from left. Abusers and/or Narcissists are truly cunning and baffling. A year ago, he actually had my daughter believing I have been harassing him for all these years. They also say Narcissist will enlist others to be their narcissistic supply.

My Daughter’s Response

So, since my daughter is 18 now, I sent a screenshot of the email and decided just  to ask her directly.

Hi honey. I received this email from [said Minion] that said I need to pick you up 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. You are 18 now, what do you want to do?

After our last conversation, this came as a surprised.

She responds:

It is fine with me cause I already only see you on some weekends anyways plus I really don’t appreciate how you are trying to pressure me into seeing [my husband’s name] when you know that is not what I want

My response:

So you do want to come over on weekends?

She responds:

If it’s only u and I there then yes eventually will

I am not sleeping over

My response:

Did you read [said Minion’s] email? She wants me to pick you up and drop you back off on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends?

She responds:

Yes for now that’s okay with me cause u r constantly trying to get me to see [my husband’s name] when I’ve said I only wish to see u. I think it’s to where you pick me up or u come to and we can get sushi or something

My response:

Honey, I am with coworkers tonight. We will have to talk about this another time.

Then three hours later I sent this:

Hey honey. You  are always welcome to come over anytime. I cannot ask [my husband’s name] to leave his home. You do not need to interact with him, but he will be here. You are eighteen now, I will leave this decision to you. I always love you and want to see you.

She responds:

I love u too

Confusion Remains

So, I still don’t have a complete understanding of their goal in this situation. It did not seem like my daughter was surprised that my ex-husband’s wife sent that email. In reading her email, it sounds like she wants me to pick her up on weekends. In reading my daughter’s response it sounds like she wants dinner on the weekend. My daughter also did continuously bring up my husband’s name even though I was not. There have been a few conversations on how we can move past this anger with my husband. My daughter wouldn’t even tell me why she was so mad at him.

My Response to the Minion

I am happy to pick her up and drop her off on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. She is always welcome to come over, however [my daughter’s name] has requested that [my husband’s name] not be home on those weekends. It’s unreasonable to ask my husband to leave his own home.

I certainly want to take her feelings into consideration, so I can assure her that she does not have to interact with him during her visits. [My daughter’s name] is 18 now and I will leave this as her choice.

My Mother and My Daughter

My mother decided to give my daughter a call and asked her why she was so mad at my husband. Her response was that he had mentioned sending her to a girls home. I do remember that day when we were concerned if intervention was needed after catching her smoking pot and having to take multiple devices away from her after taking away her phone/internet privileges. She had an emotional outburst or melt-down might paint a more appropriate picture of that day. Our primary concern on that day was if we had an addiction withdrawal happening here. So I am not sure what my daughter thought he meant by that comment, but I understand what he was saying and we were both concerned if we needed an intervention.

So much has happened over all these years.

“Ignoring the crazy, keeps you sane.” by EYH

My purpose of posting these stories is for a few reasons:

  • Get it out of my head. In Alanon, we have a saying “Your mind is a dangerous place, don’t go there alone”.
  • Put it on paper. Writing it down as it happens helps me remember I am not crazy, this situation is crazy.
  • Give validation. Perhaps some people can receive validation by knowing they are not alone.
  • Receive validation. Sometimes I receive responses that help me know I am not alone.

 

Journal Entries by my Daughter

how to document verbal abuseThe other day, my stepdaughter found an old journal that belonged to my daughter. She opened it up and read a few pages. Once she read one particular post, she brought the journal down to me to show me the entry. Although this is personal posts, the first one she showed me very much upset my husband and myself. I was very much conflicted, because these were my daughter’s private thoughts. Due to our precarious relationship, I was really curious to what she recorded.

My daughter’s journal entry simply said:

I hirted in the V today it realy hirted.

journal entries

Reading this entry made me incredibly sad. When she says her ‘V’ hurt, she is referring to her vagina. It looks like this entry was written around 2008, but there is no dates on several of these entries. We believe she was only ten years old at this time.

My husband and I talked about some of her entries and we were both so sad. She had several posts saying her ‘V’ hurt and one she mentioned it hurt when got home from her father’s house. She also posted often that she couldn’t sleep. There was another post where she mentioned she didn’t know whose rules to follow. Another she said her father kept asking her questions because he ‘thinks’ I was telling her stuff.

I felt a little sad for reading her private thoughts, but it it amazing how much she is choosing not to remember at this moment. Although I cannot say for sure he did something to her, I strongly suspect something happened. However, with all our visits to the pediatrician, children’s hospital, and therapy… we never found out anything for sure.

Another post said:

Sometimes I act happy but I am realy confused or mad I have to tell my dad how I feel but I can’t. he thinks my mom tels me stuff.

journal entries

No little girl should ever have to feel this way! It angers me so much that my ex-husband has put her through so much hell for his own selfish reasons. I hope to God that he did not do something to her, but there is just no logical explanation for her continuous complaints about her vagina hurting.

My daughter did ask to get together via Instagram chat. At this time, I am still trying to figure out how to navigation our new relationship. Recently, I sent her a card that mentioned our relationship being in a new place, but that I believed we would get through it because I love her too much. I wrote in the card, “It sounds like you are angry and frustrated and I am sorry for that. I feel really sad about our relationship right now.” I am not sure if that had anything to do with her reaching out to me or not.

What confuses me is how she can remember the story different than reality. For example, in the post above, she comments about him asking her questions, but she now believes I was the one asking questions. How did the narrative change so much? Is this just a clear case of brainwashing?

On some days, I just do not know how to feel about all that has happened. Plus, as I mentioned in previous posts. My ex-husband was supposed to take her to weekly therapy as part of our new agreement. He has not taken her to one session. My attorney says he is playing a game with me because he knows he cannot be held in contempt until the order is filed. I asked my attorney what would prevent him from never signing the order. I am still waiting for her answer.

 

 

How to Document Verbal and Emotional Abuse

how to document verbal abuseProving verbal and emotional abuse is very difficult and keeping good records may help if you case ends up in court. If nothing else, it will help protect your sanity if the abuser starts claiming you are the one with the problems. This is very common where the abuser accuses the victim of the abuse. In fact, there are times when they will actually flip the entire situation to make it sound as if you were the one instigating the problems.

Record any incidents of verbal abuse. Record these events as soon as you are able and be as accurate as possible. You will be surprised how much you forget as time goes by and the journal entries will ensure you have entries to help you remember clearly.

First, Safety First

If you are making plans to leave your abuser, this can be one of the most dangerous times. Do not share this information on Social Media or with anyone other than trusted friends or family.

Keep a Journal

It is a good idea to keep a journal of your relationship. First, these documents may just help you realize that you are stuck in a pattern of abuse and help you accept that he/she is not going to change. Second, keeping good documents can be useful in case you ever end up going to court. Keep in mind, if the abuser is telling stories that are untrue, it can be very difficult for them to keep their facts straight.

Create a Free Email Account

If you are worried your abuser might read the journal, you can create a (Hotmail, Google, or Yahoo) email address and send yourself emails. Just remember to go back and delete the sent email and them empty your trash. You can also forward any emails from the abuser straight to this mailbox. The nice thing about emails is they will include a time and date stamp on every email.

It might be a good idea to save these to a secure file sharing storage like Box.com, Dropbox.com or iCloud. If you are in a safe place, you can print out these emails and store them in a binder for safekeeping.

Create a Blog or Journal

You can also create a WordPress blog for free or buy one at Godaddy. This blog can also be set to require a password to access the website. This will also allow you to record you stories and save them and each post will include a timeline. Just be sure to back up the blog to a storage sharing or allow Godaddy to auto back-up your blog. You can also sign up for an free online journal to document all incidents.

Use a Voice Activated Recorder

Another thing you can do is keep a voice activated recorder and record any exchanges and then store them on your computer or an online file sharing storage. You can use a voice activated recorder and set your phone to speaker in order to record the entire call. These can be very inexpensive and start around $29 per recorder. Although they are a little pricey, they have recorders that look like pens, and you can even write with these too!

Save Text Messages

You can either print or get screenshots of text messages and store these in the online file sharing storage. Although, keep in mind, saving text messages can be more challenging. If at all possible, consider blocking them and making the abuser email you instead.

Keep in mind that your Social Media accounts can be used against you. Also, be sure to create difficult passwords and if possible memorize these passwords and change them frequently.

If you have any other thoughts, please feel free to share them in the comments.
Resources:

 

Journal Entries from a Recovering Domestic Violence Victim

journal entries abuseI have begun writing a book because there must be a reason for this journey. Perhaps my book can help someone understand they are not alone and can help them validate their experience. Maybe a book will help someone avoid a few minutes or learn a few lessons quicker. This book will dig deeper into my insights and choices while with my abuser.

There is no understanding why I wrote this journal entry and then continued trying to have a relationship with this man. However, he was so good and making me believe the truth wasn’t what I saw. My journal post really says a lot, even though it is written from a victim’s point of view.  Less than a year later I would give birth to my daughter, I wasn’t pregnant yet when I wrote this entry. My old me just couldn’t stay away even though there was no absolutely no reason to stay with him. At this time in my life I was able to verbalize all that was wrong and there was no reason to continue subjecting myself to him. I believe during this time, I would rather have been miserable with him than miserable without him.

May 7, 1998

I just wanted to thank you, Sam. Thank you for showing what an asshole is. Someone who cares more about themselves than others, some who takes, yet does not give. Someone who chooses not to learn anything or feel they know everything.

Thank you for showing me what it is like to be used. Someone who takes and does not give, takes for granted, and makes not effort to try. By showing me using I have learned that is not something I will accept by someone nor will I deliberately do to other people.

Thank you for showing me unhealthy love. In a relationship that has so many problems that it exhausts energy more often that giving any. Thank you for showing me manipulation, of one form, making promises that are not kept. Saying things for your own benefit rather than that of others. That it is selfish to think of your unhappiness without the other person, than their happiness without you.

Thank you for showing me things I want in a man, yet more than I do not want. Thank you for giving me that strength from experiencing something I do not want. I cannot thank you for my ability to hate, the anger that takes a while to heal and burn out.

Thank you for this rotten experience of love, pain, using, manipulation, and anger. From all these things the experience and change it brought to me, hopefully I have learned to be a better judge of people. So I will not wasted time with anything that is wrong, so I can learn eventually be the right. Thank you for being a person

Journal Comments from 2007

Over the years I found it was helpful to write journal notes and email them to myself, that helped me keep the emails and my thoughts in chronological order.  We really do not have any answers or definite explanations for these kind of complaints that occurred during a five year span. My gut instinct is that something happened, but I may never know the truth.

Email Journal Notes to Self
on December 10, 2007 6:46 pm

Our daughter came home from her father’s house last night and did not have any complaints.

Today the nurse and our daughter’s school called me because our daughter was in her office crying. Our daughter said her vagina hurt and she felt like it might bleed. Then after she went to the bathroom the nurse said she was fine and wanted to go back to class.  She said she could call myself or her dad.

The nurse requested I take her to the doctor because she was so tearful and speaking of blood.

I drove her to the Pediatrician’s office directly after school. She did a urine test. Her urine came back clean. They are sending it off for further testing.

The doctor asked her a few questions about her pain and asked me if it could possibly be from masterbation. I said possibly but we had discussed it to the point she felt comfortable and we talked about avoiding that until we find out what is causing this.  She said she felt our daughter may be using masterbation to relieve stress.

I asked our daughter if she had run water on herself and she said no.  I asked if she was rubbing herself and she said no. I told her it was okay if she was but that would be helpful in the case that was causing the pain. I left a message for her father and he called back while we were int eh car, I wasn’t really ready to talk to him about that at the moment.

Our next therapy session was not until January 8th but I called Chris today and we are going in tomorrow.  Chris pretty much said until our daughter is ready to reveal what is causing this we may not find out what it is.

I purchased a journal for our daughter to write all her thoughts. I told her she could put it in the box I gave her that locks because it is a private place to write all her thoughts. She was very excited about writing in the journal and wont’ stop LOL.

Abusive Experience – Journal Entries 3

You can read the first posts I made from March & April 2003 on this page Abusive Experience – Journal Entries 1.  I had many sporadic entries throughout the last few years of our marriage.  I think I was always worried he would read the journal entries.  These journal entries were made after I had figured out he had a problem with drinking but before I figured out our marriage was full of verbal abuse.

After writing this post there are some things I did not understand.  My ex-husband was/is an alcoholic and does not consider the consequences or that he has a problem.   For some reason I had a crisis of conscience about putting money aside and keeping it secret from him.  Looking back now, with all the lies, secrets, hiding money, etc…. my ex-husband was doing I really shouldn’t have felt any guilt.  Also, in his mind he never had a problem… the problem was that I had a problem with him.   I have said it before that he never had a problem with his drinking, I had a problem with his drinking.

Additionally, my fear of him going to jail was based on the fact that he was arrested three years earlier and did go to jail for a DWI.  That cost us so much money with attorney fees, court fees, community service, and our auto insurance costs tripled each month for three years.  He stopped drinking for about 3 months and then he was right back to drinking and driving again.  He drank a lot during our marriage and I mistakenly believed his anger was because of his drinking.  I now know even if he wasn’t drinking at all he would have still been verbally abusive. Even though drinking & abuse often are seen together, the facts are you can have an alcoholic who is not abusive and an abusive person who is not an alcoholic.

Now, hiding money would have been hard since he was hiding & spending so much and kept us pretty broke.  We made a ton of money and I never understood why we were so broke all the time.  I am not sure if he was hiding all that money (more than I know about), spending all that on another woman (he did have affairs), or spending it on drugs (I suspected but never had proof) and alcohol is expensive, but not that expensive.  I also believe  his keeping us broke another method of control as a way to keep me trapped in the relationship.

However, about this time I started getting money back at the grocery store to stash.  I was also purchasing clothes with a debit card and returning most of them for cash.  The amounts of money I was keeping was really so small, $10 here, $20 here or  even $50 occasionally.  Little did I know he had $1,000 a month going into an account I had no knowledge of.   In the end the amount of money I saved was just enough to put the down payment on my house & pay for a moving truck.

March 3, 2004

So tonight Dick had a business meeting.  Several times I found myself wondering if it was really a business meeting or out with a woman.  It seems I spend a great deal of time trying to shift my mind off of him.

I can not control him, what he does, where he goes, if he drinks, how much he drinks, when he comes home or how he behaves.

Tonight, I did one thing wrong, I approached him knowing he had been drinking.  He asked me what was wrong, so I told him what was bothering me.  It is still the same, it is not the fact that he has been drinking, it is a matter of how I am reacting.

The problem I have is this; eventually his drinking will cause consequences for him.  Those consequences will affect me.  So even though I know this is ‘his’ problem and ‘his’ consequences.  I feel as if I am waiting for an ax to cut off my head.

I made it very clear I would not have active drinking in our house.  That he needed to go to the marriage counselor and AA.  That was what I needed.  He has not done one AA meeting that I am aware of.  He stopped going to our marriage counselor as well.  So it seems as if he thinks the problem is all on me.  My deal.

He is not educated on alcohol and the effects it has on other people, family members.  This will effect our daughter, now and later in life.  I realize more and more now I became Co-dependent.  The chaos of living with an active drinker makes life so insane, that becomes my disease, the effect it had on me.

I still don’t like the way things are.  I feel so controlled by him.  How much money he gives me, having to ask permission for more, and having to account for where it all goes.  He does not bother me about how much I make, but he has his own account.  I know nothing about.

I know alcohol is ‘his’ problem, it is not something he is doing to me.   It is apparent he has more lessons to learn before he will do anything about it, and there will always be the possibility he will never do anything about it.

His mom is and always will be a drinker.  No matter the effects on her health.  I can’t understand this.  I don’t view alcohol the same way he does, I don’t give it a second thought.

I know I am sensitive to alcohol, but he smelled so bad tonight.  One or two beers does not make a person smell that way.  All the feelings came back tonight, and I had to work really hard not to react the way I use to.

This is not my problem, I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it.  This is his problem, his behavior, not something he is doing to me even though it effects me.

Perhaps he will never understand the depth alcohol had over me and who I have become.  This worrying, controlling, angry behavior was not such a part of my life before I met him.  During this relationship I have felt tremendous pain, anger, resentment, all of these things stole something from me and who I use to be.  Now I have to work hard to change my reaction.

A + B = C   If I change A then C will be different, even if B remains the same.  The A being ‘me’ and C being our ‘relationship’ and ‘B’ being my ex-husband.

I guess I needed an end to the chaos and he is such a thrill-seeker.  Maybe that isn’t it, maybe he know more about why he drinks than I do.  Alcoholism is a disease of the family and we have the disease for sure.

I do appreciate the effort he has been putting in.   I do like how a lot of things are.  I did feel tonight he feels all his other behavior should canceled out (home late & drinking).  I would not care if he were late, it is the drinking that gets a reaction out of me.

How do you tell someone you like how things are if they won’t listen?  I have been telling him that I appreciate what he has been doing.  Tonight I just happened to tell him what I did not appreciate.  I told him I felt he made empty promises, well he did.  He said he would go to AA and see our marriage counselor, he also said he would not drink.

I guess this is what I don’t understand about the disease.  I want to believe all he promises, and I am sure he means to live up to those promises.  I think the issue is all on him.  How do you ignore behavior that can take you down with them?  How do I step aside and let him run his course when that course can ruin my life too?

If he is drinking, should I not always have money for a divorce?  His being in jail would not warrant a continued marriage.  This may never happen but the odds increase the longer he does it.  Shouldn’t I be prepared?  Shouldn’t he be willing to help me to take some of this worry off my shoulders?

If I had a bunch of money in the bank I don’ tthink I would care as much abou him drinking & driving because it could not destroy my life like it could with no money and him in jail?  How do I handle this one?

– I need a security net

– I need a degree

-I need six months of bills

This is not unreasonable is it?

Related Posts:

Abusive Experiences – Journal Email Entries 2006

Journal Email Entries – 12/3/2006

Our daughter came home from her dad’s house then she and I went to Walmart to buy her a desk.  When we got home I told her to take a bath.  She was crying and calling for me.  She said her vagina hurt.  I asked her what it felt like.  Did it it burn, itch… She said it stung.

I asked her if she had a bath at her father’s house, she said she did on Saturday.  I asked her if anyone helped her bathe.  She said she did it.  So we talked about cleaning and hygiene a little.  Then I asked her if Sally (her dog) slept in her room.  She said she slept in the guestroom with her dad.

She is taking a bath now and I am calling her pediatrician again tomorrow.

I have discussed this with her counselor, this has been happening for more than two years and so far I have no explanation or facts of what is going on.

Notes about this entry:

To this day there has never been a medical answer for why our daughter complained about her vaginal area hurting for so many years.  I took every step possibly to try to find a reason or solution.  We have been to visit pediatricians, pediatric specialists, therapists and I have documented every complaint for years.  This matter even ended up with Child Protection Service (CPS).  I never had an answer and she has not had a complaint in about 4 years now.

The only common denominator is the times she complained were always after being along with or visiting her father.  During that time her father was extremely defensive, combative and uncooperative.  To this day he continues to tell our daughter that I overact about the doctors.  To this day I believe it would be irresponsible for me to ignore such a complaint.  I am not sure if I will ever feel at peace over those complaints that occurred from age 4-9.  I truly wish I had a logical explanation to this day.  I hate to think the worst but my ex-husbands abusive behaviors & drinking certainly made me suspicious.

Related Posts:

 

Abusive Experience – Journal Entries 2

The following entry was written after I had left the abusive alcoholic and drove to my mother’s house in another state.  Leaving him was really scary and he wanted me to feel that way. In the middle of December I had contacted an attorney, filed for divorce and then packed up my daughter and myself and left the state.  I remember that day and tears are filling my eyes as I write this now.   I think I had something like a nervous break down after leaving him.  Almost as if I was able to release all the emotions I had not been allowed to feel.

I stayed in a hotel for two days just crying and laying in bed.  My poor daughter was so young and I don’t think she remembers that day.  I couldn’t even take care of her, all I could do was cry.  I felt so many emotions releasing that day; fear, anger, worry, relief, sadness and regret.  My family did not leave anywhere close to me and when it came time for me to leave it was to drive and cross several states.

I do remember driving and the further I drove away from him the better I felt.  I had no idea he was the reason I felt so sick all the time.  Living with him was so toxic it was actually preventing me from living my life, being the mom I wanted to be and it is possible I would be dead today had I not left.

January 13, 2004 Tuesday

This room feels dirty and disorganized.  Almost as if it could never get clean enough.  Yet being by myself without the stress of him being home puts me at some sort of peaceful level.

I remember being locked away in this room, crying of his being drunk and the insanity of a topic I cannot remember.  I remember feeling like this was the furthest I could get from him and the situations.

What were the rules during drinking?

  • Alcohol was a topic not to be discussed
  • Can not talk to him when he was drinking
  • All functions/occasions had drinking
  • Could not talk about night before the next day… would cause tension

What could be talked about?  What subjects were taboo?

  • Any subject that was not important could be discussed
  • Alcohol topics would create an argument
  • Talking about his mother’s drinking or holidays when we would see her

Rules were understood based on arguments from previous occasions.

Dick was the rule maker, because ultimately he controlled the finances.  He pretended I had control, but only about things he allowed.

I constantly broke the rules with not accepting the behavior as acceptable.  My rebellion over his actions kept up some of the tension.

Rules were enforced by a period of silence after a fight.  He pretty much did what he wanted and made it clear that it was not going to change.  I would give in and try to make peace to clear the air… or try anyways.

Rules have changed since I left.  I have upset the balance of what was acceptable.  Rules are changing more as I get up clear boundaries of what I will not tolerate.  Drinking! Alcohol! Verbal Abuse!

Wow, I can’t believe I wrote that.  Pretty powerful to read that today.  One thing about abuse is the very same behaviors that kept me from taking a stand eventually became the reason I had the strength to make the stand.  Abuse can continue to push you down until you reach a point where you will not accept that any more.  Then I was right the rules did change and I would never again accept things the way they were before.

Related Posts:

Abusive Experience – Journal Entries 1

I thought about including my actual journal entries that I had written while still married to the abuser.  When I was in the middle I did not truly understand what I was going through.  Although at that time my eyes were beginning to open to what the real problem was.  I hope this helps anyone reading this blog who is currently experience or has experienced abuse in their life.  We will give my abusive ex-husband a name of Dick for this entry.

March 31, 2003 Monday

Well the last time I write consistently in a journal, I was twelve.  Here it goes again I guess.

I spent most of last night feeling pissed at Dick.  He has been horribly rude lately.  Almost like he is competing with me over something.

The more rude he is, the more angry I become with him.  Next thing I know he is being nice, like I can just forget he was an ass fifteen minutes earlier.

He complains about things that are normal dad stuff.  Could he really put her bath off for sports if I weren’t hear?

He works a lot, does well at it.  I never know when he will be home, although I know the decisions he makes and I think he could control 30% of the time but chooses not to.  When he is here he watches sports, and thinks by wrestling with her during halftime is quality time?

At that time I still really did not understand what I was dealing with which was domestic abuse and alcoholism.  Our daughter was turning 4 years old in one week.  I had been living by his unspoken rules for quite some time and I was getting tired of it.  The breaking point for my leaving my abuser was approaching and I did not even know it.

April 5, 2003 Saturday

Well today started off a little rocky.  Dick was snappy on and off because of the preparation for the party.  The party was for our daughter’s fourth birthday.

The party was great only a few of our close friends and family came.  Our daughter played and played.  We did a Pinata and Easter egg hunt for them with the theme of unicorns.

Tonight ended horrible!  Dick drank way too much and was drunk when he came in the bathroom when I was getting ready for bed.  It was a mistake to even try to talk to him.  I realized that right away and said I did not want to talk now.  I said this wasn’t a good idea, we should talk later.

He ended up going off on me about nothing really.  When he finally left I went into the study and closed the door.  He followed me in there to apologize..  I really didn’t want to talk.  Knowing he was drunk meant he was a time bomb and it would take very little to set him off.

So of course he goes off again talking about divorce and such.  Leaving me crying, sick to my stomach and shaking.  Naturally he is out and snoring.

Another great day with an awful end.  Another day where Dick can’t control his behavior after drinking.

I can still remember that day very clearly and my memory is not much different than what I wrote here.   I do remember when I was in the study and sitting in my chair he leaned over and was apologizing and begging me not to leave him.  It was really weird for him to go from such a rage to apologizing like that. I was baffled and confused and really could not understand why he was acting like that.  His mother was visiting and she stayed later than everyone else and they both continued drinking into night.  I enjoy having a glass or two of wine but not when I was married to Dick.  In fact I would rarely drink because he would use my one drink to justify his twelve pack.

The next morning he came into the bathroom and was crying and apologizing.  He told me he really couldn’t remember what happened.

Related Posts: