Tag Archive | abusive emails

How to Respond to Abusive Emails: Tips and Tricks

Over the years, I have found a few great tips to deal with abusive emails. These are two great tips and tricks to help you avoid being surprised and also how to respond to the facts. Hopefully these tips are helpful to you too.

Abusive Email Tip #1

In most email servers, you can create a special folder to house any emails you receive from your abusive ex and their extended family. Then you can set-up an automatic rule to move any emails from those email addresses into this folder. This usually will prevent it from popping up in your inbox and catching you off-guard. This is something I had to do years ago for my ex-husband and a few years ago for my father. Recently I had begun receiving abusive emails from my ex-husbands wife and so I set up a rule for her too.

Also, I set up the name ‘Warning: Abuse?’ to remind myself of what these emails normally contain. This way I can choose not to open these emails or when to open these emails. I can even choose to have someone else look at the emails and tell me if they are important or not. You can also choose to open these with a friend or trusted family member. At least this way you are not caught off-guard.

It works brilliantly!

Abusive Email Tip #2

Click reply and start by deleting the person’s name so you do not accidentally send a message. Then start with the first sentence and delete each line that is blatant lies, distorted truth, ranting & raving, opinions, and personal attacks. You can leave in any question that has been asked. So, an email that contains several paragraphs of personal attacks can suddenly become one sentence, such as; ‘what date did you send the check?’. This will help you respond with facts and ignore the emotional rants.

Delete anything that is not a fact. There is no reason to respond to opinions, personal attacks, or lies.

In the past, when I deleted the sentences one-by-one, I was also giving myself permission to also delete them in my mind. One example, is this email I received years ago by my ex-husband when I was trying to schedule my weekend during the summer visitation. He always gave me such grief over information in the decree. It is long, but this is exactly the type of emails I am talking about. Rarely was anything rational received from my ex-husband.

Thursday; June 1st, 2005 8:59PM

Dick,

For the month of June I would like my weekend to be June 3-5th.

Samantha

His reply Wednesday; June 1, 2005 9:10PM

That is my weekend.  Per the decree you needed to tell me in writing prior to April 15th.  As always I am willing to discuss but that in no way means I am going to give up my weekend as of now.  (Does it really sound like he is open to discussion?)

I am getting her this weekend!!!  I have checked with my attorney on this matter when you initially sent this and I do not have to give her up (per the 15th of April). (Look at the use of exclamation points, and mentioning his attorney includes a bit of a threat too.)

If you want to discuss this rationally then I am willing to but I am getting her this weekend (two day notice is not right). (Again, does he sound rational here?)

Dick

My reply on Wednesday; June 1, 2005 9:51PM

Dick,

Please read paragraph 3, my attorney told me that I have to give you two weeks notice, which I did.

Mary

His reply on Wednesday; June 1, 2005 11:08PM

There is no such wording on two weeks notice on the standard possession order.  This is what I know, if your attorney did tell you about two weeks notice then he is going to get you arrested.  If you deny me my visitation I will file a motion and you will be arrested PER MY ATTORNEY for violating the decree. (He is positive he cannot be wrong and then includes the open threats and capitalized PER MY ATTORNEY.)

You want to go by the decree and I know what it says as I know you do by now.

Once again I will pick her up on Friday.  Feel free to have your attorney contact my attorney.  (This paragraph would indicate the conversation is over, but it never is.)

Dick

My reply to him Thursday June 2, 2005 7:44AM, advised my my attorney I sent him the paragraph from the decree (changing names to Mother & Father):

3. Extended Summer Possession by MOTHER – If Mother gives Father written notice by April 15 of a year or gives Father fourteen days’ written notice on or after April 16 of a year, Mother may designate one weekend beginning no earlier than the day after the child’s school is dismissed for the summer vacation, during which an otherwise scheduled weekend period of possession by Faster shall not take place in that year, provided that the weekend so designated does not interfere with Father’s period or periods of extended summer possession or with Father’s Day Weekend.

His reply on June 2, 2005 8:28AM

Exactly.  14 days notice on or after that date… the vague part is the 14 days.  14 days after that date is the end of April.  Your interpretation is 14 days notice “anytime” after the 16th.  (He still doesn’t know the answer)

I am all for abiding by the wording but I want this cleared up by tomorrow.

Of course if we could have flexibility with one another this would not be necessary but you have chosen to go by the decree, then you choose not to and then you choose to abide by it and so on and so on.  You have admitted to using the decree in order to spite me…. you should have that on email as well.  (I tried the flexibility with him and it always worked for him but not for me.  I know I used the decree to end these types of ongoing exhausting discussions.)

There will be times when there are parties, events, etc that she and you want to attend on days when I have her.  I WILL NOT deprive her of anything but you keep in mind everything you have done regarding false accusations and visitations and decree wordings. None of these actions benefits our daughter in any way.  (This is a threat and the false accusations are regarding her continuous unexplained vaginal pain that I would not ignore.)

You keep in mind our daughter expressed excitement about seeing me this weekend.  If for some reason you get her this weekend I hope you have something big planned because I did.   (Trying to make me feel guilty.)

One last thing… it would be three weeks that have gone by without me seeing her.  Do you think that is in her best interest?  I think you know the answer to that.  Do you think keeping her from you the entire month of July is what is best for her?  (If he were truly interested in what is best for our daughter he would not create so many fights or speak ill of me to her, this is complete BS for documentation purposes.)

This is what is happening or going to happen.  If you were thinking about our daughter then you would choose to spend one of those weekends with her in July.  (Oh yes, his taking her for the entire month of July was his punishing me for losing control of a previous conversation.)

Never the less, I want to figure this wording out by tomorrow.  (He had to mention this a second time in the same email.)

Dick

My reply to him on Thursday, June 2, 2005:

I already spoke to my attorney, it is in the decree.

If you have a problem with the decree and you no longer think it is in our daughter’s best interest, perhaps you should speak to your attorney.

Our daughter’s feelings will not get hurt if you speak to me before you make promises to her.

Although your abusers may continue to send abusive emails your way, it doesn’t mean you have to continue to allow them to be in control. You can control the situation by using these quick tips to shift the power back into your hands.

Ignore the Crazy: Emotional Abuse

Lately, I have noticed I have received less emails from my abusive ex-husband… thankfully. However, more emails have been coming from his wife. Makes me feel he is sending his minion to do his dirty work. This past week, I was out of town traveling for work and I received this email from his wife. This confused all of us and still doesn’t make sense. Maybe it isn’t nice to call her a minion, but I truly wish she would open her eyes!

Actually, when I received this email I was rather confused. Isn’t our daughter 18 1/2 now? Doesn’t she have her own car? Aside from being confused, I wondered what was the trap. It does seem like my ex-husband and his wife are always scheming. I don’t think I am being paranoid. The decree states that she comes over on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend and she hasn’t been doing that for the past year.

Divorce Decree Email

[To Me]

For the remainder of this school year, 2017-2018 [daughter’s name] will keep to the schedule of visitations per the divorce decree. That will be as you know 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends of every month. She is used to the decree routine, so going forward she will follow those scheduled visitations.

It is imperative that school is her focus this year. She will need to be picked up and dropped back off at our/her residence each visitation.

[From said Minion]

A week ago, I just have a conversation with my daughter (via text) and she was a little mad at me for inviting her over to this house. She perceives that as pushing my husband on her. Really, I am just tired of trying to live this separate relationship. She had commented that having a relationship with her just wasn’t enough for me. My response was that I didn’t know how answer that and I would just say goodnight for now.

My Husband’s Response

None of this makes any sense to me. I am not saying my daughter is crazy in this blog post subject line. I am still confused as to what their goal was in sending that email. When I sent this email screenshot to my husband his response was this:

Just reply “ok”

Or “k”

If it was I would “ok b*$%*” but that is just me. Wonder why she can’t drive? Does she even want to come over? Weird right

I don’t think it is a game

Don’t worry they don’t follow the decree anyways

Perhaps their point was to send this while I was out of town? I had told my daughter I would be traveling and it is possible they knew I was out of town? Maybe I need to not tell her when I am traveling, for now. It does seem like these types of emails arrive while I am traveling.

My Friend’s Response

I had also sent this email screenshot to my best friend and she replied with these statements. There was a little back and forth from me that I won’t include. She was just as confused as I was about that email.

What’s this all about? Why did she send this to you? You don’t have to pick her up if you don’t want to. Plus that means that you will have her all weekend if she is willing.

They are wanting a break.

That’s it.

They never asked you to adhere to the decree. Meaning get her every other weekend. They made it her choice, correct?

Oh, I think they need or want a break. Desperately!

Even a judge would say that. Can’t force them.

Also, have you thought that maybe they’re going to say you’re forcing them to stick to the decree 1st, 3rd, and 5th. That maybe they’re going to manipulate the whole situation that you’re expecting her there every other weekend and that if she doesn’t that you’re going to take them to court. This could just be a game.

I wouldn’t write back to [said Minion].

I would go directly to [my daughter’s name] and keep it straight. your stepmother and dad want me to adhere to the decree. Send the email to her like you did with me. Proof that you’re not lying.

Then ask her what she wants because it’s up to her anways. She is 18 now. Even a judge would say they can’t make her go. That’s what happened to [her son’s name]. The judge didn’t force him to see his mom at 16, 17, and 18.

At any rate, it helped to bring in the ‘rational reinforcements’. The people who could read this email and end up with the same questions I did. In Alanon, they have a statement that says, “Your mind is a dangerous place, don’t go there alone.” When dealing with abusive people, they can get in your head, and twist your mind up. Suddenly you do not know up from down or right from left. Abusers and/or Narcissists are truly cunning and baffling. A year ago, he actually had my daughter believing I have been harassing him for all these years. They also say Narcissist will enlist others to be their narcissistic supply.

My Daughter’s Response

So, since my daughter is 18 now, I sent a screenshot of the email and decided just  to ask her directly.

Hi honey. I received this email from [said Minion] that said I need to pick you up 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. You are 18 now, what do you want to do?

After our last conversation, this came as a surprised.

She responds:

It is fine with me cause I already only see you on some weekends anyways plus I really don’t appreciate how you are trying to pressure me into seeing [my husband’s name] when you know that is not what I want

My response:

So you do want to come over on weekends?

She responds:

If it’s only u and I there then yes eventually will

I am not sleeping over

My response:

Did you read [said Minion’s] email? She wants me to pick you up and drop you back off on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends?

She responds:

Yes for now that’s okay with me cause u r constantly trying to get me to see [my husband’s name] when I’ve said I only wish to see u. I think it’s to where you pick me up or u come to and we can get sushi or something

My response:

Honey, I am with coworkers tonight. We will have to talk about this another time.

Then three hours later I sent this:

Hey honey. You  are always welcome to come over anytime. I cannot ask [my husband’s name] to leave his home. You do not need to interact with him, but he will be here. You are eighteen now, I will leave this decision to you. I always love you and want to see you.

She responds:

I love u too

Confusion Remains

So, I still don’t have a complete understanding of their goal in this situation. It did not seem like my daughter was surprised that my ex-husband’s wife sent that email. In reading her email, it sounds like she wants me to pick her up on weekends. In reading my daughter’s response it sounds like she wants dinner on the weekend. My daughter also did continuously bring up my husband’s name even though I was not. There have been a few conversations on how we can move past this anger with my husband. My daughter wouldn’t even tell me why she was so mad at him.

My Response to the Minion

I am happy to pick her up and drop her off on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. She is always welcome to come over, however [my daughter’s name] has requested that [my husband’s name] not be home on those weekends. It’s unreasonable to ask my husband to leave his own home.

I certainly want to take her feelings into consideration, so I can assure her that she does not have to interact with him during her visits. [My daughter’s name] is 18 now and I will leave this as her choice.

My Mother and My Daughter

My mother decided to give my daughter a call and asked her why she was so mad at my husband. Her response was that he had mentioned sending her to a girls home. I do remember that day when we were concerned if intervention was needed after catching her smoking pot and having to take multiple devices away from her after taking away her phone/internet privileges. She had an emotional outburst or melt-down might paint a more appropriate picture of that day. Our primary concern on that day was if we had an addiction withdrawal happening here. So I am not sure what my daughter thought he meant by that comment, but I understand what he was saying and we were both concerned if we needed an intervention.

So much has happened over all these years.

“Ignoring the crazy, keeps you sane.” by EYH

My purpose of posting these stories is for a few reasons:

  • Get it out of my head. In Alanon, we have a saying “Your mind is a dangerous place, don’t go there alone”.
  • Put it on paper. Writing it down as it happens helps me remember I am not crazy, this situation is crazy.
  • Give validation. Perhaps some people can receive validation by knowing they are not alone.
  • Receive validation. Sometimes I receive responses that help me know I am not alone.

 

Abusive Email Traps – Abusive Men

Abusive Email Traps

Watch Out for Abusive Email Traps

So I am having problems with my father again after I made the decision to call him and he blasted me.   You can read one of the first abusive emails from my father. Then good God, okay so he called me again and I pick up the phone.  What is wrong with me?  Now I feel all frustrated and angry.  My father is not going to change, I guess that makes me sad, he is going to continue being weird and impossible to talk to.  Perhaps, I need to find peace within myself should we never talk again.  Making the decision to discontinue the relationship with my father has been something I have been struggling with my whole life.  Over a period of time, I would not call my father, then I would eventually feel guilty and call him.  I guess I worry if he died I would feel bad for the rest of my life.

Abusive Email From My Father

To Me,

If all you want to do every time we communicate is insist on cramming your bitter, unforgiving hatred and judgmentalism down my throat, don’t bother calling or emailing me at all.   If you can act like a mature adult and show some common decency (without constantly interrupting). I will listen to you, but I expect you to listen to me too!.

Very sincerely,

Your Dad

Candid Thoughts

Whatever, I am tired of these conversations with my father.  This one started when he said my Aunt and Uncle said his wife was just using him and I said I agreed.  She has been living in another house for four years and has collected over $50,000 from him in four years.  Although I do not agree with what she is doing I certainly can sympathize with her desire to not deal with him and if he is going to give her a check each month why wouldn’t she take it.  Then I told him, “Okay go back to her and give her all your money, nobody can stop you.”  He didn’t like that response either.  So I asked him, “Dad, what do you want me to say, do you want me to lie and tell you something I do not believe?”  My Aunt said it seems as if he is looking for someone to blame for his failed marriage.   I also asked him if his wife had called him at all and he told me that was none of my business.  My Aunt said she is not returning his calls or emails.

Moving Forward

My goals… I do need to accept is okay if do not talk to my father anymore.  I do not need to feel guilty for not talking to him.  It is not my fault he behaves the way he does.  He has had a temper problem and been rather abusive for most of my life.  We had a few good years of communication recently but it seems like those days are gone.  Maybe this was not the best thing to say but I did say ‘I’ a lot and not one ‘You’.   I need to let him go and this is what I wrote:

Goodbye Dad, I wish you luck.  I forgive you and I am sorry we are unable to get along.

My Name

Then my father sends me this response.

Seriously, My Name, I really do not need your ugly hatred!

Dad

Abusive Father – Abusive Ex-Husband

Wow, this reminds me of emails with my ex-husband.  Where you say something and they respond by twisting it around by saying something that is untrue to make you feel guilty.  My Aunt said he is doing the same things with her and she has gotten to the point she doesn’t want to email him.  I guess he is just really mad right now and trying not to accept his wife does not want to be with him anymore.  It is sad but I will bet he was okay with paying her all that money each month because it kept her attached to him.

Closing Thoughts

My father has always been an abusive man  but he never really took it directly out on me until recently.  It makes me wonder if the same thing will happen with my ex-husband and our daughter.

Abusive and Controlling Emails – Email Traps 2

Abusive Email Traps

Watch Out for Abusive Email Traps

Anyone reading this email can catch the first half by reading the post from yesterday titled Abusive and Controlling Emails – Email Traps.  Okay, so I decided this email was worth posting because this is simply an abusive email by someone I know, in this case my father.  I am also able to recognize the similarities between my father’s irrational behavior and my ex-husbands behavior.  Abusive emails seem to have certain ‘core values’, regardless of the topic of the email, if you take the time to look at how it is being said you can really see the underlying values.

Underlying Core Email Values:
Attack, control, guilt, threats, blaming, minimizing, shifting-blame, twisting the facts, passive aggressive words, emotionally charged, ranting & raving and sometimes contains no facts.   Also, as you can see in the email below, there is not a single ‘real’ question in this email, only statements in the form of questions.  In this case, if I decides to respond only to the facts, there doesn’t’ seem to be any.

October 16, 2012 – An email received from my father:

I have done nothing recently that has deserved your bitterness and hatred.  I realize that you are suffering from the aftereffects of your own unfortunate marriage, as I once did mine.  Somebody once wisely told me to Get Over It!  I have learned that harboring hatred and bitterness not only corrodes one’s own feelings of any affection towards others, but it causes loved ones to grieve as well.  In this comment my father is minimizing his behavior and part in the problem.  He has made the conclusion that I am full of bitterness and hatred because I am choosing not to engage in this argument and have made that clear multiple times.   It is also interesting to see him block and diverting his part in the ‘discussion’ by casting blame on my personal experience with my ex-husband.   I have been divorced for almost eight years now and the only thing I resent is my ex-husband’s manipulation of our daughter and his injecting himself into our lives as often as he does.  The last sentence actually sounds like he is trying to guilt me into responding by saying this is causing him to grieve.

It is really your Ex-husband that is your problem, not me.  If you and I have a problem, it is only of your making, though you may not even realize it.  I have tried to have patience with you, but you seem to be overflowing with venom.  I thought I could help you understand your problem from my many years of experience, but you have shut me out, blocked my emails and hung up on me numerous times.   Once again you see my father is trying to shift the focus to this being my problem with my ex-husband and not my problem with my father’s irrational behavior and emails.  In my father’s previous email posted at Abusive and Controlling Emails – Email Traps it certainly does not exhibit patience in my opinion.  His statement sounds like he is my savior by trying to help me.  Then he attempts to place guilt back on me and is shifting blame because I chose to hang up the phone.  Okay, hanging up the phone is wrong, but when the conversation is that heated, irrational and your words are not being heard I choose to end the conversation by hanging up if I cannot get a word in edgewise.  Perhaps I need to work on not hanging up.

I was going to email your husband and ask him to tell you for me that until you learn some manners, decency, and common courtesy, not to call or email me again, but not only would that be meddling, but it would probably incense you to further hatred and anger and make further communications impossible.  I am not trying to provoke you to anger, you are doing that to yourself!  My father is going to tell my husband on me?   Yes he is correct that would be meddling as I am a grown adult and his suggesting he will contact my husband sounds more like he wants to enlist other people to come to his defense.  I already spoke to my husband who said he agreed I should not respond.  I am provoking myself to anger.  I do not feel angry, a little frustrated at the situation, and too many familiar feelings between this email and the ones I have received from my abusive ex-husband.  Also in these exchanges I really recognize my ex-husband’s behavior in my father which further shows I married my dad.  I remember telling my ex-husband, during these types of exchanges, before I would hang up, “Oh, the cookies are burning!” (advice from my attorney)

You are going to have to work on your hateful feelings all by yourself if you will not accept any suggestions from others, particularly those from your own father, whom you seem to enjoy insulting and hanging up on.  When I saw that you blocked my emails (through which you continue to spout your viewpoint while disregarding mine), I was tempted to disown and disinherit both you and your daughter because of your apparent rudeness, but then I thought that would not be showing the unconditional love that we, as alleged Christians, owe to each other.  I am choosing not to engage, however he continues to try to contact me with these long emotionally charged & highly irrational emails.  Remember, this entire conversation revolves around that he mistakenly believes I am advising women to get to divorced on my blog.  Which I am not doing and even if I were what business is that of his?  I am not giving advise for anyone to get divorced and made that very clear to him.  I never asked his opinion on the matter.  Now he is threatening to disown/disinherit me & my daughter, then he goes back to the ‘guilt trip’ statement. 

When I saw this morning that you even continue to email me, with your many one-sided opinions, I was tempted to just delete your messages even before reading them, just as you blocked me from responding to you; but that would be crude and thoughtless of me too.  What do you expect of me, calling and emailing me seven times in the last two days, and then trying to ridicule me or block my all responses?  And then, you have the nerve to try to cut me off from communications with my own granddaughter as you try to control her life and who she can consider a Facebook “friend” and who she can’t?  Aren’t those the very same tactics that you said you hated your Ex-husband for?

Here was the exchange:

  1. 10/15 An irrational phone call that I ended
  2. 10/15 A long ‘God will judge you’ email from my father
  3. 10/15 My short email reply correcting my father’s incorrect belief about my ‘promoting divorce’
  4. 10/15 My father’s ‘You, you, you… but this is all about God’ email
  5. 10/15 My fact based response
  6. 10/16 His phone call at 8:30am the next morning stating ‘My divorce recommendations may have legal consequences’
  7. 10/16 A second call I did not answer
  8. 10/16 This long (minimizing, guilt, blame-shifting) email
  9. 10/16 Some stranger I do not know that he enlisted to email me to ‘make sure my email worked’ for ‘legitimate’ reason.
  10. 10/17 Received another email recommending a Christian book called ‘Know Why You Believe’ (religion as a weapon?)

If unconditional love sometimes requires our patience to be taken advantage of repeatedly by a misguided (hateful) relative, then I must commend my parents for their love.  As much as you seem to enjoy condemning my father, at least he never hung up on me or spewed venom and then blocked my responses so I couldn’t even defend my rationale.  He was much more loving than some people I know.  Honestly, this first sentence makes no sense to me, ‘taken advantage of by a misguided (hateful) relative, then he commends his parents love.  My grandfather was extremely verbally abusive to my grandma and physically & emotionally abusive to all three of his children.  My personal belief is verbal/physical/emotional/financial abuse is not ‘Love’, it is sick.  Now I am ‘spewing venom’ and I don’t think I even sound ‘venomous’ while writing this.  So my grandfather was more loving than some people he knows, this email seems to be full of implied insults to me.  Notice how he doesn’t exactly say what he means, this is a ‘passive aggressive’ tactic that helps person not be accountable for what they say.

Rest assured that no matter hateful you are to me, I will always try to forgive you, since you are my one and only daughter.  But unless you can learn some common courtesy towards your own father (whom you are admonished to “honor” according to our God’s commandments), you are going to have to solve your difficulties strictly between you and your God, or whomever else will put up with your unmitigated hatred and apparent tantrums..  If you just want to hurl accusations and argue, please just leave me out of it!  If you want respect from me, remember, it is a two-way street! (“Do unto others…”)  So again I am hateful, he is loving and then reminds me I am his daughter.  It really feels his definition of ‘common courtesy  would my agreeing that he is correct and I am ‘misguided’.  Then using religious comment again that ‘God says I am to honor my father’.   Then he moves on to insulting me by stating ‘whomever’ is willing to put up with my tantrums.   Now I am hurling accusations, then I should leave him out of it, but yet he continues to contact me with these emails.  Then the ‘Do unto others’ which he really isn’t doing right now.

Love,

Dad

I Married My Father
Also, the interesting fact is how similar my Ex-husband and Father seem to be.  People often say you marry someone with qualities like your father.  I visited my father twice a year, every year, between the ages of 4-16.  Somehow I did manage to pick a man that is very much like my father, even my divorce circumstances closely resemble the relationship between my father and mother.

I will say this email caught me off-guard.  Throughout my entire life my father just bashed my mother repeatedly to me, but never directly insulting me.  These email exchanges are the first time he has ever attacked me like this.  I also do not feel like this ‘disagreement’ over my father’s incorrect assumption that I am telling all the women of the world to get divorced.  That escalated into this bizarre exchange.  It sort of makes me wonder if my father is really attacking my mother in this entire exchange.  It also makes me wonder how awful he must have been to deal with for my mother.  I never had this type of attack until now.

At the age of 16, I flat out refused to go see my father, and our visitations stopped.   As a child my father blasted my mom to me, crammed religion down my throat, and sometimes had bizarre tantrums/episodes that I remember feeling very confused about.  At the age of 16, I really had not processed all the words he said to me, but I had decided I did not like how it felt.  He did take me on fishing trips, camping, museums and to pick blueberries & cherries which I have fond memories of.  What I did not like was when he would trap me in the car or on the fishing boat and start attacking my mother.

Bad Memory Lane
I do remember a time when I was between the age of 12-14, I was suppose to go to a Bible camp and we were suppose to go to the church to sign me up.  We were suppose to go fishing so I wore a pair of jeans with holes in the knees (I think that was the fashion).  I vividly remember my father losing his temper and yelling at me that I could not wear jeans with holes in them at church.  I asked, “Dad, we are not going to church, we are just going to sign up for camp right?”  At this point he really threw a tantrum, ranting and raving about my clothes.  I remember he sat on the stairs and sulked, like a child would.   I was still a kid but I remember not knowing how to respond to his behavior.  I do not even remember if I ended up changing clothes or not because my memory stops at his melt down.

Something was very wrong with my father and nobody ever really told me what.  I remember my grandparents telling me he was sick, oftentimes blaming on my mother’s leaving was why he was sick.  I also remember them telling me I was going to have to take care of him one day.  That frightened me as a child.  I know he was taking pills but when I asked what they were he would also tell me they were Aspirin.  Maybe  he didn’t want me to tell my mother or something?

Now, I never saw my father drink alcohol, only tons of diet cokes.  However, in the past few years he has told me stories of how he had tons of empty bottles stashed under his bed.  When I attended Alanon I often felt my father’s behavior resembled that of an alcoholic but he had hid his drinking from me.  I really saw the similarities between my ex-husband and father.  My ex-husband was most certainly an alcoholic and very verbally abusive.  My father I thought was a dry drunk, but was actually an alcoholic and very verbally abusive.  They both seemed to have this Grandiosity opinion of themselves.  It really seemed as if they both had two personalities and I never could predict which personality I would see.

Summary:
Okay, so I am still pretty baffled at this entire episode with my father.  I do not know if he is drinking again or stopped taking whatever medication he has been taking.  I do know that abusiveness & alcoholism both have cycles.  These cycles seem to come out of nowhere and leave one baffled and confused.


Continue Reading: Abusive and Controlling Emails – Email Traps 3 

Related Posts: 

Resources:

 

Abusive and Controlling Emails – Email Traps

Abusive Email Traps

Watch Out for Abusive Email Traps

Trying to Rationalize the Irrational
Well, I just had the strangest argument with my father yesterday over the phone.  I mentioned this blog and that I was sharing my personal experiences on this blog.  Somehow the conversation led to my stating I believed a women in a physically abusive relationship should take herself and her children, should she have any, and get somewhere safe.

My father started saying things that divorce is not always the course.  Commenting that the women could somehow appeal to their husband’s so they could change.  I commented that men who are abusive will only change if they are ready, willing and oftentimes they do not see that they are abusive.  Now, please know that my father was abusive to my mother, and abusive to me as a child.  Throughout my whole childhood he was so bitter and resentful that my mother left and did everything in his power to try to ruin my relationship with my mother.  I thought he had been working really hard over the past few years on getting over that.  Well, his controlling ways certainly reared their ugly head over a conversation I thought was pretty minor.  A difference of opinion but it has really blown up and escalated.  In addition, I have barely had to say anything and it continues to grow.

I also explained to my father how my ex-husband would tell me he was going to counseling & to AA but he was only saying that to get me back.  My ex-husband only made it to a few sessions and as soon as I was back in the door he stopped.  My experience was that my ex-husband would always say he would change but in the end he always went back to being the same abusive man he had always been.

Using Religion to Control Others
The conversation with my father turned religious and I probably should have ended the call right there.  He commented that in the eyes of God, he hates divorce.  I replied that I did not believe God condones violence and if the man was violent is not very likely he is a man of faith.  My father has been using religion throughout my whole life for a reason to condemn my mother and justify his hateful comments he made about her.  His personal justification was that he was only trying to ‘save me’ from a life of ‘sin’.

Somehow during that conversation my father got the idea that I was encouraging women to leave their husband’s and get divorced.  I disagree with him on the purpose of my blog.  Most of the time I use my blog as my personal outlet for my journey of dealing with an abusive man from when I met him, married, divorced and now have to share custody of our daughter.  My journey with my abusive ex-husband has been quite a challenge.  Some days I am angry over the situation and other days I try to let it go and find peace in today.  Some of my blog posts are venting where some contain facts or lessons I have learned along my journey.

Watch Out for Abusive Email Traps
So, I ended this very argumentative phone call with my father.  He followed the phone call with a long email telling me it was not my place to advise people.  He also stated very strongly that peopled needed to focus on forgiveness rather than anger.  However, I do not feel my blog is all about anger or hatred and I responded with that thought.  My response was very short, only a few sentences.  I restated what my purpose of this blog and that was not advising people to get divorced or leave their husbands.

Then I received a few strong reply.  The reply was full of  ‘You’ and ‘Your’, in fact I counted 29 of these words in about four long paragraphs.  This type of email was seeming all too familiar to me.   The email was pretty much, ‘You, you, you…. but this is all about God.’  I remember getting those emails from my ex-husband.  However those emails were, ‘You, you, you… but this is all about our daughter.’   This abusive email I received from my ex-husband many years ago is a great example of what I am referring to.

In fact this email was really an ‘Ah Ha!’ for me.  This type of controlling & aggressive email seems so familiar to me because, with the exception of the topic,  it could very well have been written by my ex-husband.  It really just makes so much sense how I ended up picking a man that was so much like my father.  I think I already knew that but sometimes life seems to circle back for a new lesson? I guess this is just another journey during my recovery of a lifetime of abuse.  However, I have no intentions of allowing this to drag on.

October 15, 2012 – Email from my abusive Father:

If you want to know the truth, YOU are the one who judges me, my dad, even my mom, my brother, your ex-husband, all the people you like to call “abusers,” and I assume everyone else who you think may disagree with you!  You will not allow me my own considered opinions, but you try to force yours on me, threatening to sever our relationship if I don’t applaud your decisions, well-thought-out or otherwise.  All the people who I call abusers?  Well my grandfather was abusive and my father will admit that.  My father and his brother were both abusive to their wives, and statistics have shown that boys that witness abuse are more likely to become abusers.  My grandmother was certainly not abusive as much as she was a victim of abuse in a generation where leaving was not an option.  I never said he was not allowed to have his own opinion.  However, I did threaten to sever the relationship if this abusive & controlling conversation continued.  I have the right not to engage in this abusive rhetoric.

You will not even listen to the God you claim to believe in.  I did not reference the Book of First John just to “cram the Bible down your throat,” but so you can thoughtfully decide if you even are a Christian, and that is between you and God, not you and me!.   I also suggest that if you have an aversion to reading the Bible, that you reread (or perhaps read for the first time) the poem I wrote about “Judgment” on page 16, plus the Bible reference at the bottom.  It is strictly Scriptural (From God’s lips to your ears!).   How on earth did this conversation get to my not listening to God?  If this is between God and myself, why is my father so upset in this email?  I never said that I had any problems with the bible during our conversation.  Then he is referring me to a book he wrote where he is sharing his experiences and includes scriptures.  So we are discussing the Bible but he is referring to his book.  As for the comment ‘From God’s lips to your ears!’ sounds more like from my ‘Father’s lips to my ears!’.

This is not an issue between you and me; it is between you and the One who died for you despite your evidently continuing “sin” of hating other people, including me!  He states again that this is not between my father and I, but between God and myself.  The facts in this email certainly does not seem to verify his point.  My “sin” of hating other people, including him?  Not sure where the ‘hatred’ comment ever came from and my choosing to end the conversation means I hate him?

If you really want to know what I think, then read my book thoughtfully before you call me again, if all you want to do is spew hatred and argue over the phone!  Interesting that he is discussing his book again.  I must go reread my father’s book before I call and spew hatred and argue over the phone.  I chose to end the phone conversation because the tone and direction was abusive and controlling, certainly not a rational discussion.

I remember one time I was discussing something with my mom, and I was overwhelmed with blithering hatred.  She finally was compelled to forcefully say to me, “You are so full of pure hatred!  Go to your room and get down on your knees and pray to God to help you get your hatred out of your system and begin to show a little love and charity towards other people!”   He is discussing a memory he has with my grandmother that I assume occurred when he was a child?  How on earth did my discussing my Blog, as my personal outlet, lead to this type of email?

It later occurred to me she was right, and that my own hatred was actually the source of most of my own problems and that I actually did need God’s help and many years of effort to contend with it!   Fortunately for me and my siblings, she chose to love, forgive and respect her husband (see Ephesians 5:22-33), and make the best of her marriage rather than get a divorce!  No matter what you think, for that I can’t slight her one single bit!   Because of her blessed courage and God’s help, I didn’t end up being a child of divorce myself!  I do not judge you for your life and your own decisions, but I do sincerely suggest you be reconciled to God at least for your daughter’s sake!  My father who was working on his own hatred spent the better part of my life (age 4-25) saying horrible things about my mother whom he hated for leaving him.  Oftentimes using God in his statements full of hate and vengeance.  His mother who stayed married during a time when divorce was not really an option.  My grandfather was was verbally abusive to my grandmother and very physically abusive to my father, Uncle and sometimes my Aunt.  My father went on to abuse my mother and myself.  My Uncle went on to abuse his wife and his daughter.  My Aunt went on to pick a husband, deliberately choosing the opposite of her father, and moved away and raised some pretty fantastic kids.  Yet in his final sentence he says he is not judging me for my decision to divorce my ex-husband.  Have to say this email sounds pretty judgmental to me.

Okay, so against my better judgement I did reply to my father.

Hey Dad,

I am not okay with this conversion or the controlling & abusive tone.  The email with 29 ‘you’ and ‘your’ in one email doesn’t sound God focused to me, it sounds [Father’s Name] focused; “You, you, you… but this is all about God.” Actually I have so many email from my ex-husband where he blasted me in an email full of threats and stating; “You, you, you… but this is all about our daughter.”  I tried very hard to keep my response in this email with; ‘I feel, my thoughts, my beliefs and worked hard to keep You statements out of here as much possible.

Although I didn’t agree with your opinion, I chose to end the conversation because I felt it was getting out of control.  We do not have to agree on this matter, your experiences are not mine, and my experiences are not yours, therefore they are not relatable.  I really feel we have been here before and I am very much unwilling to have this type of relationship with anyone.  My blog is simply my own personal experience, spreading awareness and has nothing to do with revenge or hatred.

You are right this is between God and myself and I need that respected.  It is really best if we table this conversation because this is not going to improve our relationship.  If I am going to be judged, that is between God and myself, not you and me.

It later occurred to me she was right, and that my own hatred was actually the source of most of my own problems and that I actually did need God’s help and many years of effort to contend with it!   Fortunately for me and my siblings, she chose to love, forgive and respect her husband (see Ephesians 5:22-33), and make the best of her marriage rather than get a divorce!  No matter what you think, for that I can’t slight her one single bit!   Because of her blessed courage and God’s help, I didn’t end up being a child of divorce myself!  I do not judge you for your life and your own decisions, but I do sincerely suggest you be reconciled to God at least for your daughter’s sake!

Really? Do we need to go there?  The point of my blog is not that abusive men do not change, however this conversation is kind of proving that point.  If your mom was in a time & age where she could have chosen not to tolerate the abusive behavior, perhaps you would have learned earlier not to be abusive to your wife & daughter.

The next email that in that is more than a few paragraphs and contains excessive You, Exclamation Marks, and God will Judge You…. will be the time I choose to Block any future emails.

Now, I do not feel my email was inappropriate.  I also refuse to carrying with these types of conversations.  This is how all my conversions with my ex-husband were.  However instead of all the talk about ‘God and Judgement’ it was typically how I was wrong, he was right and he was sorry he was going to have to take me to court to get custody of our daughter.   Most of those emails contained excessive You/Your, Exclamation Marks and Capitalization.  I will have to post one of my ex-husbands emails that is full of these types of sentences which are all about power and control.  Seems to me when you do not do what they say, or agree with something they said, or refuse to talk to them… they kind of flip out and try to get you back under control.  When that doesn’t work they just escalate their attempts to regain control.  When you really consider who is out of control… the abuser is.

October 16, 2012 – Phone Calls Starting
Update, this morning I just received a phone call from my father.  I wondered if he was calling to apologize.  However, when I picked up I immediately said, “I have about two minutes for this call.”  He goes on again how if I advising people to get divorced that I could face legal consequences.  I replied that I have already told him multiple times that was not what I was doing.  He said, “He could only imagine that I am spewing my hatred to him that I must be doing that in my blog.”  I hung up the phone.   Now I am thinking maybe he is drinking, on or possibly not on some medication, because this is beyond irrational.   Well I had a few good years with my father where I felt he was really working on becoming a different man than the father he was throughout my life.  However, I cannot carry-on this type of unhealthy relationship with anyone, not even my father.  Phone is ringing again, it is my father, but I am not picking up.  This reminds me of the obsessive emails & calls my ex-husband use to engage in.

Discuss Irrational Email With A Trusted Rational Friend
Of course I already had this discussion with a rational friend yesterday.  In the past, when I received this type of email from my ex-husband, I needed to get a reality check.  She was surprised it had gone the direction it did as well.  She asked me if he was drinking or something  and to be quite honest I do not know.  However, nothing about this conversation and his persistence seems rational to me.   He is completely fixated on the fact that I am publishing a ‘Get Divorced’ column.

Our Journeys May Be Different
As far as Divorce goes, I cannot advise anyone.  It is not my place.  I can only share my personal experiences and possibly direct people to Domestic Abuse Centers or Family Alcoholic Centers.  Beyond that I cannot tell someone if they should stay in their marriage or not.  Everyone has their own journey, my journey may be different than the one someone else should take.  Nobody could tell me what I needed to do during the course of my life.  I had to get educated on the topics of Domestic Abuse and Alcoholism and only then I made my decisions.  I personally never wanted to get divorced, in fact I stayed married longer than I should of in hopes to save my marriage.  In the end it takes two to make a marriage work and I simply could not stay in a abusive & toxic marriage.  I know now that so many of my physical illness had to do with being in a toxic and emotional abusive relationship.  In the end, I had to think about the health & happiness of myself and my daughter.

Continue Reading: Abusive and Controlling Emails – Email Traps 2 

Related Posts: 

Resources:

Tips to Responding to Abusive Emails 3

When I was first divorced from my abusive ex-husband I was extremely afraid of him.  He made many threats and acted on only a few.  In my situation my ex-husband is really nothing but a bully, all bark and no bite.

Warning: I will say if you are receiving threats please do not dismiss them as empty threats.  Abusive men have control issues and can certainly be capable of doing almost anything to attempt to regain that control.  If they send you any threats of bodily harm or physically harm you please contact the authorities and see if you can get a restraining order against them.

Lets go through one of the emails he sent me in the past.  This one is a bit long and I will include red comments after each sentence.

Email exchanges regarding summer visitation per our decree:

Thursday; June 1st, 2005 8:59PM

Dick,

For the month of June I would like my weekend to be June 3-5th.

Samantha

His reply Wednesday; June 1, 2005 9:10PM

That is my weekend.  Per the decree you needed to tell me in writing prior to April 15th.  As always I am willing to discuss but that in no way means I am going to give up my weekend as of now.  (Does it really sound like he is open to discussion?)

I am getting her this weekend!!!  I have checked with my attorney on this matter when you initially sent this and I do not have to give her up (per the 15th of April). (Look at the use of exclamation points, and mentioning his attorney includes a bit of a threat too.)

If you want to discuss this rationally then I am willing to but I am getting her this weekend (two day notice is not right). (Again, does he sound rational here?)

Dick

My reply on Wednesday; June 1, 2005 9:51PM

Dick,

Please read paragraph 3, my attorney told me that I have to give you two weeks notice, which I did.

Mary

His reply on Wednesday; June 1, 2005 11:08PM

There is no such wording on two weeks notice on the standard possession order.  This is what I know, if your attorney did tell you about two weeks notice then he is going to get you arrested.  If you deny me my visitation I will file a motion and you will be arrested PER MY ATTORNEY for violating the decree. (He is positive he cannot be wrong and then includes the open threats and capitalized PER MY ATTORNEY.)

You want to go by the decree and I know what it says as I know you do by now.

Once again I will pick her up on Friday.  Feel free to have your attorney contact my attorney.  (This paragraph would indicate the conversation is over, but it never is.)

Dick

My reply to him Thursday June 2, 2005 7:44AM, advised my my attorney I sent him the paragraph from the decree (changing names to Mother & Father):

3. Extended Summer Possession by MOTHER – If Mother gives Father written notice by April 15 of a year or gives Father fourteen days’ written notice on or after April 16 of a year, Mother may designate one weekend beginning no earlier than the day after the child’s school is dismissed for the summer vacation, during which an otherwise scheduled weekend period of possession by Faster shall not take place in that year, provided that the weekend so designated does not interfere with Father’s period or periods of extended summer possession or with Father’s Day Weekend.

His reply on June 2, 2005 8:28AM

Exactly.  14 days notice on or after that date… the vague part is the 14 days.  14 days after that date is the end of April.  Your interpretation is 14 days notice “anytime” after the 16th.  (He still doesn’t know the answer)

I am all for abiding by the wording but I want this cleared up by tomorrow.

Of course if we could have flexibility with one another this would not be necessary but you have chosen to go by the decree, then you choose not to and then you choose to abide by it and so on and so on.  You have admitted to using the decree in order to spite me…. you should have that on email as well.  (I tried the flexibility with him and it always worked for him but not for me.  I know I used the decree to end these types of ongoing exhausting discussions.)

There will be times when there are parties, events, etc that she and you want to attend on days when I have her.  I WILL NOT deprive her of anything but you keep in mind everything you have done regarding false accusations and visitations and decree wordings. None of these actions benefits our daughter in any way.  (This is a threat and the false accusations are regarding her continuous unexplained vaginal pain that I would not ignore.)

You keep in mind our daughter expressed excitement about seeing me this weekend.  If for some reason you get her this weekend I hope you have something big planned because I did.   (Trying to make me feel guilty.)

One last thing… it would be three weeks that have gone by without me seeing her.  Do you think that is in her best interest?  I think you know the answer to that.  Do you think keeping her from you the entire month of July is what is best for her?  (If he were truly interested in what is best for our daughter he would not create so many fights or speak ill of me to her, this is complete BS for documentation purposes.)

This is what is happening or going to happen.  If you were thinking about our daughter then you would choose to spend one of those weekends with her in July.  (Oh yes, his taking her for the entire month of July was his punishing me for losing control of a previous conversation.)

Never the less, I want to figure this wording out by tomorrow.  (He had to mention this a second time in the same email.)

Dick

My reply to him on Thursday, June 2, 2005:

I already spoke to my attorney, it is in the decree.

If you have a problem with the decree and you no longer think it is in our daughter’s best interest, perhaps you should speak to your attorney.

Our daughter’s feelings will not get hurt if you speak to me before you make promises to her.

Looking at all this back and forth conversation we continuously had makes me think he is trying to keep the conversation going.  Maybe it is to hold on, I do not know, but he often dragged even the simplest emails out for days.

Related Posts:

Tips to Responding to Abusive Emails 2

When I first began receiving emails from my abusive ex-husband that were full of ranting & raving, opinions and comments that were meant to make me look bad.  There was a part of me that felt if I did not respond to his untrue comment then that was admitting it was true.  Learning to disconnect from my abusive ex-husband and only respond to real questions or facts took some practice.  My attorney also told me to be sure to document everything which I began doing by sending emails to myself.  He would often say to put my ex-husband on notice which I did in the following email.

Email to my Ex-husband on December 22, 2004:

Dick,

Unless you want to speak specifically about our daughter, I do not want to engage in any conversations with you.  Our daughter could hear your conversation and she said, “Daddy always yells at you.”  My life is not your business, I do not need to tell you if I am going out to play pool, going out with friends, or going on a date.  Do not yell at me regarding anything about my life.

I do not consider it a waste of time to send emails like the one above, send email journals to myself and document unusual events.  Although many events never had resolutions it is very helpful to occasionally reread those entries to remind me that the problem was not so much with me.

Often when I read these emails throughout the years I can see how much healthier and stronger I became each year.  I am so much stronger today.  When I discussed these thoughts to my mother she often remembers a comment she made to a counselor more than 30 years ago.

My mother said, “Sometimes I just wish he would die.”  The counselor replied, “Instead of wishing he would die, why don’t you just continue to get healthier.”

I like that comment the counselor made.  To be honest if I were anything like the person my ex-husband’s emails make me out to be… his crazy ex-wife, etc…  He should be grateful I am not crazy or I might have already run him down in the street and then roll back and forth to make sure he is dead a long time ago.

Related Posts:

Tips to Responding to Abusive Emails

Tips to Responding to Abusive Emails:

The nice thing about emails is you have a record on file with dates.  You do not have to respond to the abusive email right away.  It is easier to stay unemotional via email than it is over the phone or in person.  My abusive ex-husband use to bait me continuously and it was easier to stay emotional disconnected through email than it was over the phone.

  1. Respond only to the facts
  2. Click forward or reply (remove emails so you do not accidentally send before ready)
  3. Delete every sentence that is opinions, ranting & raving, threats, etc…
  4. Leave only sentences that are facts or have a real question
  5. Reply to the questions with short factual answers
  6. Now, the hard part, try to delete the sentences in your head too

Dealing with my abusive ex-husband was very hard. Honestly, I will not tell you it has ever been easy.  In fact, as much as I hate to admit it, when I get an email from him today it can make my hands shake.  Although it has gotten easier with time and setting up personal boundaries.

There are a few ground rules with my abuser:

  • He is not allowed in my house ever.  He has proven he is not a safe person and therefore is not allowed in my house where I feel safe.
  • I do not communicate with him over the phone.  He has a temper and is very manipulative and I will not talk to him via the phone.
  • He is only allowed to email me because I can choose when or if I respond.  The emails allow me time to think so I can respond rather that react.

These are a few of the ways where I make sure I protect myself from my abuser.  My personal challenge is teaching my daughter to say, “I don’t know, ask my mom.”  She is not very good at not responding to his questions and unfortunately gets put in the middle more than she ever should.  There are times I wasted my time asking him via email not to put our daughter in the middle.  One thing I have learned is my abusive ex-husband uses my daughter to get to me and any information I give to him letting him know it is working only hurts her more.  I truly wish I would have known years ago not to let him know she had told me anything because I believe that was his goal.

Related Posts:

Abusive Emails – How to Respond

I wanted to post these emails because as ridiculous and abusive as they are you may be dealing with something similar.  Okay, short recap to perhaps explain the context of these emails.  Our daughter, at the age of five, was complaining that her vagina hurt on more than one occasion after coming back from visiting with her father.  After taking her to the doctor repeatedly and finding no medical explanation it was strongly suggested by her pediatrician that I get her into therapy.  I did my best to show willingness to communicate to my ex-husband and hopefully get him involved in a solution.  Looking back it is possible I should have ignored him but with all his threats of taking my daughter away I did my best to follow my attorney’s advice and document everything.  This is how the conversations went, long drawn out and a complete waste of time (obviously exact facts will be removed):

My email April 6, 2005 6:28pm:

Our daughter has an appointment with [Blank] Child Center, they are on our plan, appointment is on April 25th. [Phone Number]

My ex-husband’s response April 7, 2005 8:09am:

I think you are underestimating how resilient our daughter is.  She is a healthy normal child.  It is normal for her to feel the way she does but I know that if you continue to push her into therapy and disrupt her school you will cause more harm than good.

I have two huge concerns regarding you thinking she needs therapy… if she is in red for two days in a row you think she needs therapy, if she expresses anything regarding her feelings you think she needs therapy.  If you, as an adult, want to go to therapy, then so be it but for some reason you think EVERYONE needs to go.  I have an email from you that states “you want me to go to therapy in order to have a relationship with you.”  We are divorced you know?  She has a yeast infection and you start making false accusations as well as send her to child protection for abuse.  Look what you put her through due to a yeast infection: took her out of school for 3 days in a week, tried to keep her from seeing me and lied to me by saying Child Protection told you I could not see her (I have that on email as well) and after speaking with them they said they did not say that.  Newsflash; just because someone goes through adversity does not mean they need counseling.  We are divorced and I think our daughter is doing great under the circumstances…. maybe you need to look at yourself in order to help her.

Bottom line, you have a history of wanting to go to therapy but now you are bringing our daughter into your world of hysteria (for lack of better term).  She is very happy with me and she continues to ask me if she can spend the night after gymnastics, this past Sunday she wanted to say one more day…. could it be that she senses happiness in my house and that she draws from that?

Take this for what it is worth, when I pick our daughter up you always have this look of despair or sadness.  Don’t read anything into this other than if I see it then she sees it.

I know we want what is best for our daughter but you keep in mind that I will not stand idly by and let you put her through a mess like you did recently.  She is my daughter and I will make sure she is taken care of.

I know by sending this you will not reconsider nor do I need a response unless you feel like responding… I am just letting you know how I feel and as always if you somehow misconstrue this as a threat then once again you would be wrong.  I just want what is best for our daughter and I am voicing my opinion.

My response April 7, 2005 2:05pm:

I am simply following the advice of (removing names) Dr Pediatric Specialist, Dr Pediatrician, Domestic Abuse Awareness Center and Child Protection to get her into counseling.

His response April 7, 2005 5:12pm:

Your reply is evidence of what I am talking about… you forgot Dr Suess!!! Classic response.  Use your own mind and stop listening to everyone else.

Your decision on our daughter’s well being has me concerned!!

My response April 7, 2005 5:30pm:

This conversation is over.

His response April 7, 2005 5:32pm:

I will be involved in my daughters life. I am simply voicing my concerns.

My response April 7, 2005 5:37pm:

Voicing your opinion and controlling are two different things.

This is where I had to enlist 3rd party help after voice mails.  My response April 12, 2005 5:11pm:

 I have done my research, I feel comfortable with trying this center, they have been around for over 100 years.  Our therapist believes I should take her to this center for the evaluation and clearly she is going through something.  Your saying it is just for crack babies is not fact base only hearsay, I did not hear anything I felt the need to respond to as your information was not fact based.  Also your messages are too scattered and you were not sticking to talking about our daughter, going on about the dogs and how I need to eat more calories, I found no reason to respond at that point.

I also spoke with our therapist and if you really want to meet with me you can set up an appointment with him for us to do that.  I will not meet with you anywhere but at our therapist’s office with third party present.  History has proven our conversations are unhealthy and I am simply not willing to go there anymore.

The Center has many different programs that deal specifically with our daughter’s situation; Divorce Adjustment Issues, School problems, Tantrums…. You are welcome to visit their website (included link).  I have seen behaviors in her that tell me she is having a difficult time adjusting to these changes.  They can help her understand her feelings.

Therapy has never hurt anyone and often it is necessary to help people have a healthy outlet.  You spoke twice of them putting kids in foster care, I am not concerned one bit about what she will say, are you?  If we keep doing nothing we will keep getting the same results.

His response April 12, 2005 6:58pm:

 Since you are not willing to work with me on this then I have no choice but to take a route I did not want to go.

This is not a threat.  I am concerned for my daughter’s well being and I want you to know that I feel she will be emotionally healthier with me so I plan on taking you to court.  You will be contacted by the courts soon.

I am sorry that you have made me do this but understand I only what what is best for our daughter.

Your accusations and constant please to get both our daughter and myself into therapy is very alarming.

You will be contacted soon.

My response April 12, 2005 9:25pm:

You say that there are issues that we need to resolve in person.  Please send me a list of things you feel cannot be resolved by phone?

His response April 12, 2005 11:25pm:

I gave you the option(twice) to resolve this by phone and/or in person.

I was even willing to take our daughter to the person you initially wanted even though I do not think she needs therapy… I also was willing to find someone we both can agree on even though I don’t think she needs therapy.

Your response and lack there of was evidence that you have no intention of communicating with me one way or another.  In regards to the dog I was simply telling you about her health but I will no longer keep you informed of your dogs if you choose not to know.

Regarding your calories…. I stated that people who have seen you lately thought you looked thin an unhealthy.  I have seen you and I concur but of course that is just my opinion.  With that being said I have concerns about our daughter especially if your health is in question.

Bottom line… I am being honest with you when I say this, our daughter is my only concern, this has nothing to do with you and I but I feel that the courts need to know what you are doing in regards to our daughter’s well being and your lack of communication with me in regards to our daughter (even on the phone) has given me no other alternative.

I do not want to go this route but you have left me no choice.  I do wish it could be different and I am sorry it has come to this.

Another email from him on April 13, 2005 6:50am:

If you want to talk (on the phone) then let me know.  This is the last opportunity I will give you.  Once again this is not about you…. I want what is best for our daughter.

My paperwork is in order, I just have to make the call but I was hoping you would choose to include me in the decision making process regarding our daughter and I am ademant that she does not go to this Center.

I am not bluffing on this…. once I go through with this I can’t turn back so please let me know when you want to discuss.

My response on April 13, 2005 10:35 am:

(Abusive Ex-husband’s Name)

I have cooperated with you on all matters thus far.

1) I have told you I am afraid of your anger and your temper, which I do not feel you can control.  However, I did tell you that I would meet with you at the Dr.’s Office with a third party.  I have the right to make the decision to meet in a place that I feel safe

2) I have a referral from the Dr.’s office stating that our daughter’s regular Physician recommends therapy for her.  Are you suggesting I disregard her doctors recommendations regarding the health of our daughter?

3) I never said I did not want to know about the dogs. Stop putting words in my mouth.

4) My weight is not an issue with my Physician.  I follow all recommendations by my doctor regarding my health.  To date, there are no health issues and I am willing to obtain a written note from my doctor for you and your Lawyer if necessary stating I am perfect health.

I asked for a list of issues you feel need to be discussed regarding her health and wellfare.  You did not answer my questions so that we can get these issues resolved.

Again, I ask you, what issues about our daughter do you need to address, and which ones do you feel can not possible be resolved via email or the phone?

I have the right to my feelings.  Feelings are not right or wrong.  I do not feel safe alone with you because of your temper and anger issues.  Again, I tell you that I will indeed meet with you at the counselors office to address those items on your list that my lawyer and I feel cannot be resolved via email or phone.

His response April 13, 2005 11:34am:

Once again you are not reading my emails correct.

Let’s get this straight.  I do not want to meet with you in person nor do I want to see you for any reason other than to pick our daughter up or drop her off.  I have stated  that we can talk on the phone in regarding to choosing a Dr.  Not sure what you are talking about in regards to a counselors office.  Once again a phone conversation is all I am requesting.

By talking on the phone this should eliminate your paranoia.  My issue was clear.  I want to choose a Dr that we BOTH agree on.  If you read you will see that I was willing to take her to the original Dr or find one we agree on… does that seem like I am disregarding any recommendations?  Talk about putting words in someones mouth.

In regards to anything else your attorney can speak with my new attorney once you are served.

Our daughter is all that matters to me so keep that in mind going forward.

My response April 13, 2005 1:04pm:

(Abuse Ex-husband’s Name)

Your issues with this facility are not clear to me.  I need you to list your reasons for not wanting to take our daughter to a licensed, certified facility with approved medical doctors that was recommended to me by several health care professionals, in addition to accepting her insurance.

If you have valid reasons, such as successful claims to the Better Business Bureau, or anything at all that can be validated other than your personal opinion based on hearsay, I will consider another alternative.

I want to stress that I will not under any circumstances consider any place that does not accept her insurance.

I do not want her ability to go to counseling based on your willingness to make payments and continue treatment, but rather a Doctor’s opinion on whether continued therapy is in her best interests.

Again, if you have valid, document-able proof that this is not the best place tor our daughter to obtain the help recommended by her physician., I would like to review that information.

More to follow.