Dealing with my abusive ex-husband sometimes makes me feel completely crazy. The stuff he does is quite simply not rational and that it affects our daughter is most frustrating. Now, this is really a simple situation that because dramatic and I allowed myself to be sucked into this drama-laced issue that I have no control over.
If I actually had control, here would be my solution:
Recognize she just wants to know she is okay. Calm her down, tell her we will go to the doctor tomorrow and regardless it will be easy to treat. Taker her to the doctor the next day and get diagnosis from doctor so she hears it is no big deal and whatever solution the doctor recommends. If it is ring-worm then we make sure it isn’t from our pets. Situation solved.
As a mother, I would truly love to protect my daughter, but I cannot protect her from him. I know some of this ‘drama’ is part of my own creation by the fact that I react to the situations. I also have no control over his behavior or how he chooses to parent out daughter.
I was on my way home from work last Monday and I received a phone call from my daughter. She never calls me when she is at her father’s house for fear of being teased or made fun for calling me, because that has happened in the past. Her father and step-mother actually make her feel bad for calling me.
So I picked up the phone and she says, “I have ring worm.”
My response, “You have ringworm?”
She says, “Yes, my dad looked up pictures on Google and he says I have ringworm.”
“Is he going to take you to the doctor?” I ask her, because I know he is not usually very good at ‘parenting instincts’.
“No, but got to go, I will call you back.” She gets off the phone
So here is the extra details on this situation. We have some pet rodents and two weeks her step-sister told her that one of her friends go ringworm from their pets. So this was on her mind and she brought it up to me. Now I know my daughter is very worried about any sort of virus/illness because of an experience she had when she was 9. The doctor believed she may have been bitten by a spider or something and it turned into a staff infection. What an awful experience that was and I think it traumatized her, rightfully so. So, since that happened she has been pretty fearful of any reaction and asks me if it is a staff infection.
So anyways, she calls me back.
“My dad went to the pharmacy and spoke to the doctor and he brought home medicine.” She tells me.
“Okay, well I think it would be best if you saw a doctor to get a diagnosis if it is or isn’t ringworm. If you have ringworm we might need to treat the pets too. If they do have something you will just get it again so I really need a doctor to see you” I tell her.
She starts crying, I am a little short due to my frustration with her father. I know Google is a good source for information but it does not take the place for doctor. Of course her father hasn’t exactly made the best decisions regarding our daughter. So we are still on the phone and she is crying and he walks in and starts asking (more like commanding) why she is crying. So I tell her to put her dad on the phone.
So I tell him, “Can you please take her to the doctor to get this diagnosed?”
“Thank you very much. Thank you so much for freaking her out. I had everything handled.” he snaps and then hangs up the phone.
So my daughter sends me a text saying she is sorry she messed everything up. I told her this is not her fault. I also tell her it was rude of me to interfere with his parenting. Her text reply, ‘you weren’t rude but he was VERY rude to you’.
My Text Mistake
So I react this time, I am pretty good about not doing this. I send him a text that says, “You do not deserve to be a father.”
Should I apologize? Perhaps, but I do mean this, he is truly a shitty father. I am not even saying this because I am the ex-wife and I dislike the man. He truly does not do what is best for our daughter at all. In fact I had to resist sending him a text message that says I wish I could go back 14 years ago and NOT tell you I am pregnant and save us 14 years of pure hell! I do manage to resist sending this.
House of Excess – my abusive ex-husband’s household rules:
- Eat all the junk you want
- Absolutely no rules
- She cannot take vitamins
- Encouraged to disobey me
- Not allowed to do homework while there
- Watches TV all the time
- Gets whatever she wants
- Gets grilled with questions about me
- She gets in trouble if she doesn’t answer their questions
Of course I have a lot of guessing about why she called me. I think she just wanted him to take her to the doctor, hear that she does or doesn’t have ring-worms, get whatever treatment for the small rash. I believe he did not want to take her to the doctor so he tells her what she has by looking on Google. Then he goes to the pharmacy without her and tells the pharmacist whatever he believes and comes back and tells her he spoke to a doctor. This way she will let it go. I am assuming that is why she called me upset.
Anyway, so I am pretty pissed off at her father during this entire situation because he seems more interested in lying on his ass than caring for our daughter. Yes, I know this is none of my business. I also know he is pretty difficult to talk to and that makes it hard for our daughter to speak her mind around him.
Of course I am thinking of all the times she has come home from his house covered in hives and I am assuming that is what is happening now. I am also thinking of all the years she was complaining that her vagina hurt and he ignores this. Also how he barks at me every-time I take her to the doctor. He makes it sound like we go to the doctor every-time she sneezes. No, we go when her fever has topped 103, or when she says her throat hurts really bad. I also take her when she has repeated complaints about her vagina hurting after coming home from her father’s house. I haven’t heard that complaint in about five years.
She has been texting me the whole two weeks she has been there. On one hand I hate it when she texts her father when she is here but my primary reason is because his texts are full of manipulation. I wouldn’t mind her communicating with him if he didn’t do that kind of stuff. She sends him a text to say ‘Hi’ and he replies ‘Don’t be sad, you will be over here in a few days’. She never said she was sad and he injects that kind of message.
So now when she gets home at 6pm from her 2 week visitation with her father I will not be able to take her to the doctor. I can take her to an Urgent Care on Saturday which costs more money. Then on Monday I have to work and I had a doctors appointment for my self this week and had one interview that made me late on Monday, so I can’t be late next week.