Tag Archive | dealing with a controlling ex

Abusive Ex- Crazy Making Behavior

crazy makingDealing with my abusive ex-husband sometimes makes me feel completely crazy.  The stuff he does is quite simply not rational and that it affects our daughter is most frustrating.  Now, this is really a simple situation that because dramatic and I allowed myself to be sucked into this drama-laced issue that I have no control over.

If I actually had control, here would be my solution:  

Recognize she just wants to know she is okay.  Calm her down, tell her we will go to the doctor tomorrow and regardless it will be easy to treat.  Taker her to the doctor the next day and get diagnosis from doctor so she hears it is no big deal and whatever solution the doctor recommends.  If it is ring-worm then we make sure it isn’t from our pets.  Situation solved.

As a mother, I would truly love to protect my daughter, but I cannot protect her from him.  I know some of this ‘drama’ is part of my own creation by the fact that I react to the situations.  I also have no control over his behavior or how he chooses to parent out daughter.

I was on my way home from work last Monday and I received a phone call from my daughter.  She never calls me when she is at her father’s house for fear of being teased or made fun for calling me, because that has happened in the past. Her father and step-mother actually make her feel bad for calling me.

So I picked up the phone and she says, “I have ring worm.”

My response, “You have ringworm?”

She says, “Yes, my dad looked up pictures on Google and he says I have ringworm.”

“Is he going to take you to the doctor?” I ask her, because I know he is not usually very good at ‘parenting instincts’.

“No, but got to go, I will call you back.”  She gets off the phone

So here is the extra details on this situation.  We have some pet rodents and two weeks her step-sister told her that one of her friends go ringworm from their pets.  So this was on her mind and she brought it up to me.  Now I know my daughter is very worried about any sort of virus/illness because of an experience she had when she was 9.  The doctor believed she may have been bitten by a spider or something and it turned into a staff infection.  What an awful experience that was and I think it traumatized her, rightfully so.  So, since that happened she has been pretty fearful of any reaction and asks me if it is a staff infection.

So anyways, she calls me back.

“My dad went to the pharmacy and spoke to the doctor and he brought home medicine.” She tells me.

“Okay, well I think it would be best if you saw a doctor to get a diagnosis if it is or isn’t ringworm.  If you have ringworm we might need to treat the pets too.  If they do have something you will just get it again so I really need a doctor to see you”  I tell her.

She starts crying, I am a little short due to my frustration with her father.  I know Google is a good source for information but it does not take the place for doctor.  Of course her father hasn’t exactly made the best decisions regarding our daughter.  So we are still on the phone and she is crying and he walks in and starts asking (more like commanding) why she is crying.  So I tell her to put her dad on the phone.

So I tell him, “Can you please take her to the doctor to get this diagnosed?”

“Thank you very much.  Thank you so much for freaking her out.  I had everything handled.” he snaps and then hangs up the phone.

So my daughter sends me a text saying she is sorry she messed everything up.  I told her this is not her fault.  I also tell her it was rude of me to interfere with his parenting.  Her text reply, ‘you weren’t rude but he was VERY rude to you’.

My Text Mistake

So I react this time, I am pretty good about not doing this.  I send him a text that says, “You do not deserve to be a father.”

Should I apologize?  Perhaps, but I do mean this, he is truly a shitty father.  I am not even saying this because I am the ex-wife and I dislike the man. He truly does not do what is best for our daughter at all. In fact I had to resist sending him a text message that says I wish I could go back 14 years ago and NOT tell you I am pregnant and save us 14 years of pure hell! I do manage to resist sending this.

House of Excess – my abusive ex-husband’s household rules:

  • Eat all the junk you want
  • Absolutely no rules
  • She cannot take vitamins
  • Encouraged to disobey me
  • Not allowed to do homework while there
  • Watches TV all the time
  • Gets whatever she wants
  • Gets grilled with questions about me
  • She gets in trouble if she doesn’t answer their questions

Of course I have a lot of guessing about why she called me.  I think she just wanted him to take her to the doctor, hear that she does or doesn’t have ring-worms, get whatever treatment for the small rash.  I believe he did not want to take her to the doctor so he tells her what she has by looking on Google.  Then he goes to the pharmacy without her and tells the pharmacist whatever he believes and comes back and tells her he spoke to a doctor.  This way she will let it go.  I am assuming that is why she called me upset.

Anyway, so I am pretty pissed off at her father during this entire situation because he seems more interested in lying on his ass than caring for our daughter.  Yes, I know this is none of my business.   I also know he is pretty difficult to talk to and that makes it hard for our daughter to speak her mind around him.

Of course I am thinking of all the times she has come home from his house covered in hives and I am assuming that is what is happening now.  I am also thinking of all the years she was complaining that her vagina hurt and he ignores this.  Also how he barks at me every-time I take her to the doctor.  He makes it sound like we go to the doctor every-time she sneezes.  No, we go when her fever has topped 103, or when she says her throat hurts really bad.  I also take her when she has repeated complaints about her vagina hurting after coming home from her father’s house.  I haven’t heard that complaint in about five years.

She has been texting me the whole two weeks she has been there.  On one hand I hate it when she texts her father when she is here but my primary reason is because his texts are full of manipulation.  I wouldn’t mind her communicating with him if he didn’t do that kind of stuff.  She sends him a text to say ‘Hi’ and he replies ‘Don’t be sad, you will be over here in a few days’.  She never said she was sad and he injects that kind of message.

So now when she gets home at 6pm from her 2 week visitation with her father I will not be able to take her to the doctor.  I can take her to an Urgent Care on Saturday which costs more money.  Then on Monday I have to work and I had a doctors appointment for my self this week and had one interview that made me late on Monday, so I can’t be late next week.

Abusive Men – Power and Control

Dealing with a Controlling Ex

It is so difficult at times to not feel stressed when situations arise where I have to deal with my abusive ex-husband.  When you have to co-parent a child with an abusive man you do have to deal with them to some extent while you raise the child.  If fact just the idea of dealing with my abusive ex for any reason can get me very stressed out.

Giving my Ex my Power

The frustrating thing about that is how much power that gives him over my thoughts and my reactions.  There is no way I can get into his mind to even remotely understand why he behaves like he does.  I truly think the only way I could understand why he does what he does, is if i was abusive like he is.  There is some level of desire for chaos, arguments, disagreements and  stress that he seems to thrive in.

Abusive Men – Power and Control

When I send him a very short one sentence email that  really just requires a Yes or No answer he will turn it into a dramatic series of emails where he won’t give an answer.  Like he is working really hard to maintain control of the situation by not allowing closure.

For example, we booked a flight for our two daughters to fly out to visit their grandma.  They are almost teenagers and we felt it would be a great experience for them to fly without parents to visit their grandma.  It would be a great adventure and grandma would be their to take them on tourist trips and spoil them.

We scheduled this flight about two weeks ago and during conversation yesterday we realized it was scheduled a day too early and would be on a day my ex-husband would have custody of my daughter.  My husband and I were suddenly very stressed in the thought of dealing with my abusive ex-husband or if we could change the flight.  My husband realized he had waived the insurance when he bought the tickets.

Playing the Manipulative Abuse Game

When we arrived home I called the airlines to see about moving the flight date forward one day.  Turns out it will cost us $300 as a ‘change fee’ for two tickets.  So I made the mistake of thinking we could actually reason with my ex-husband (history has proven this to be a rare occasion) and that my husband might be able to do it.  So my husband called my ex-husband and explained what happened.  My ex-husband asked if the girls were flying alone (he will give her a sip of beer but he is worried about her flying alone?), my husband told him they would have a companion flight attendant.  My ex-husband said he would would have to check his schedule and would let us know.  This really meant he just didn’t want to give an answer and wanted to maintain his power and control of the situation.

So this morning we received an email where my ex-husband says he gave me notice three months ago for his summer vacation and he didn’t understand why this flight was scheduled during his weekend.  Not sure what his summer had to do with anything because this is a week and a half after that is over.  However we did schedule it on that Sunday by mistake.  Now it is three weeks before their trip and we are asking him to switch weekends.  This seems like such an easy request that any normal situation wouldn’t be a big deal unless major plans were already made (in this case there are no plans).  He sort of mentions he might be willing to drop her off early that Sunday.

So my husband writes back and apologizes and says it was his mistake and he is sorry that it interferes with his visitation with our daughter.  He says if my ex-husband could arrange to drop her off around 9:30am that Sunday morning that would give us plenty of time to make it to the airport.  Several hours later my husband sends me a text message mentioning how we have not heard back from my ex yet.  I told my husband we would not hear back because this was a way for my abusive ex-husband to stay in control of the situation.

My ex-husband’s email implies we purposely scheduled this on ‘his’ day and he doesn’t understand why we would do this.  He knows us well enough to know we  were not being malicious just to mess up his time.  His non-question/accusation is a smokescreen.  He implies he wants to go by the decree but goes on to no really commit to bringing her home early.  That he would not really give an answer helps him stay in power.  The fact that he makes us wait is just another method of his staying in control of the situation.

So I told my husband we truly need to just eat the $300 and send my ex-husband a reply that simply says, “We have it handled.”  Nothing more than that.  It seems we need to remove the power from his hands.  To be honest I wouldn’t be comfortable with him promising to bring her back that morning because he might not and we would be out two plane tickets.  Honestly it seems $300 is a small price to pay to not continue the conversation with my ex-husband.

The History of Abuse and how it Repeats Itself

I remember four years ago my church offered me a free week trip to Disneyland and it just happened to be during the first week of my ex-husbands’ two week visitation.    I asked him if he could swap a week with me so we could go.  He refused (after several long drawn out emails) because he said his mother was coming to visit and she lived in the same town.  So I even offered to give my spot to his mother so our daughter could go and he said no to that too.  So she did not get to go to Disneyland and I wasn’t strong enough to just not send her.  We missed out on that opportunity.  All we would have been responsible to pay was food.

In the End the Truth will Speak for Itself

I remember three years ago I was ten minutes late driving home because of traffic.  That night my ex-husband called the police because I didn’t do exactly what he ordered me to do.   He said to me “You will bring her to my house by 7:30pm” and something inside of me said “No! I won’t.” So I didn’t and he called the police.  The police couldn’t really do anything because that is a civil matter.  What he really managed to do is traumatize our daughter who has never forgotten that day.  The facts really spoke for herself because I had never stayed so relaxed and calm and my ex-husband looked so pissed which really spoke volumes of what the truth really was.

Standing Up to a Abusive Bully

Maybe I should have just agreed but where does it stop.  Maybe it was wrong of me to not just do what he  said, although had he just asked there would not have been an issue.  Exactly why do I keep needing to be the one who does what he orders (and I do mean orders).  It certainly seems like he decree is a weapon and the same rules do not apply to him.  It is no different today than when I lived with him, I stand up to him but always give in because I am too afraid to really piss him off.  I know I should want to be happy rather than right but at the same time I also want to stand up to a controlling bully.

This was too much rambling but I hope this helps you.