Tag Archive | healing from abuse

Songs About Abusive Relationships

Over the years, I have always been able to identify with lyrics of songs. There are so many songs written about being hurt by abusive people, narcissists, and emotional manipulators. A few songs like Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson, Fighter by Christina Aguilera, and now this song Praying by Kesha. Knowing others have struggled and I am not alone in these experiences. That is also another reason I write in this blog so that maybe it will help someone else who is going through something similar.

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

On more than one occasion, my ex had me believing I wouldn’t be able to survive without him. He said he didn’t want me living in some “roach infested apartment”. He told me I wouldn’t be able to get a job because I didn’t have a college degree, that no one would hire me. These were all lies, I have accomplished so much and he was wrong about everything. I have a great husband, wonderful job, and live in a beautiful home.

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

Living with my ex-husband was never without chaos and daily insanity. Every day I walked on eggshells and the environment was so toxic that I became sick all the time. In fact, I was worried that I had cancer or would eventually die and then my daughter would be left with him. Also, I was afraid to leave him because I was sick, but he was the reason I was sick. I wrote about this in one of my blog posts Was My Husband Poisoning Me or Was the Relationship Toxic?

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’

Despite all my ex-husband and his wife have done. I still do not wish them ill will, in fact I wish they would find a higher power (or God) and be happy. This is something I have prayed for not only for myself, but for my daughter as well. Not that I haven’t wished on a few occasions that he would stop breathing, but these moments are short.

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh
When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name

At times I have focused on the negative more than the positive. There was a time in my life where more negative things seemed to happen over positive things. But that is not today! Today I have many things to be grateful for and I have to remind myself to think that way. This past year has been especially difficult, but I am too strong to let it knock me down. Today, I continue to become a stronger and healthier person. Maybe without my ex-husband I wouldn’t have had so much motivation to get healthier and stronger.

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

In 2004, I left my ex-husband for the final time. I have never regretted the decision to leave to this day. At one point I remember the pain of the present was greater the fear of the unknown. Then I had to navigate being a single parent and parenting with an abusive ex-husband.

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Someday, maybe you’ll see the light
Oh, some say, in life, you’re gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

I definitely still wish him the best. I still pray for good things for my ex-husband and his wife. I hope he will wake up and see the truth of what he has been doing. Not for me, but for my daughter. She deserves that from her father.

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’

The reason I like this song is because it does speak of being hurt by someone, but it also focuses on the hope and future. This song talks about forgiveness for those who wronged you. This forgiveness is not for the other person it is for myself. Letting go of resentments. There is a saying in Alanon about resentments being like poison, but that they only harm the one with the resentments.

“Resentments are like swallowing poison, but hoping someone else will die.”

I will continue to focus on joy and happiness. I have come too far to allow his negativity to continue to be part of my life. One day, I think my daughter will come to see the truth and understand. Now my focus needs to be on continuing to work on my own health and become the healthiest person possible.

Healing from Invisible Wounds – Emotional Abuse

I think one of the greatest issues I have had to overcome is healing from all the invisible wounds.  The scars left from the verbal and emotional abuse seem like they often ran deep into my core.  My first emotional abuser was not my ex-husband, he was my father.   So this is where the abuse cycle began for me and somehow I married a man who behaves so much like my father.

I believe my daughter is finally able to see my ex-husbands behavior for what it is.  She has to go to his each summer for (2) two week periods or for the entire month of July.  Her step-sister is going to her mother’s house from the end of June to the beginning of August.  So my daughter and I discussed the possibility of her staying for the entire month of July so she won’t be as bored.  Initially she thought that was a great idea and had planned to discuss it with her father.

Maturity & Awareness
However, when she came home from that weekend visitation she told me she didn’t think she could handle 30 days straight and really needed a break.  I was very surprised by the maturity of her response and simply replied, “Fair enough.”

When she came home from her father’s house this weekend I gave her a hug and said I was glad she was home.  I asked her if she had a good time.  Then I asked if there was anything she needed to discuss with me.  She said, “Nothing worth talking about.”

Are we out of the woods yet?  I seriously doubt it.  However, I am very moved by her mature responses   As much as I dislike my ex-husband’s abusive behavior, I do not want my daughter to hate him.  I doubt she could even if she wanted to.  I do want her to learn to understand him well enough to plan her comments and responses better.   It would truly shock me if my daughter could explain her father’s behavior anymore than I can.  His behavior is often beyond reason.

Planning Comments & Response
One thing I have been working on with my daughter is teaching her how to plan her comments with her father.  For instance after the entire cell phone issue where we thought he had bugged her phone.  We decided electronics were not to be taken back and forth.

So when she was at her father’s house she said she wasn’t allowed to take home the Nintendo 3D DSI because my husband and I said not to.  Well that immediately had her step-mother and father upset about that.  Never-mind the fact that my ex-husband was the one to originally make this rule that nothing comes back and forth.

Encouraged to Lie
So her step mother actually advised her to bring the Nintendo in her backpack and take it to school and just not tell us about.  Basically encouraging our daughter to lie to us.  Amazing!  This woman is an assistant teacher at school in charge a little kids.  Honestly, where are her morals.

My daughter told them no and then told us what they had asked of her.  We told her that we were very proud of her for saying No and for telling us.  We said that was a very mature thing to do.

So I did advise my daughter to be more careful with what she says to them.  I told her in the future she could avoid some of these conversations by planning her response better.  For example, if she had simply told them she wanted to keep the Nintendo at their house so it would be there whenever she came to visit that might have avoided that entire conversation.

Stop & Think
My advise to my daughter is to actually visualize a Stop Sign in her head and Stop & Think before answering.   She does want to be honest and I told her she can still be honest in her response and perhaps not give information to create this uncomfortable discussions.

I guess one of the things I am learning is to give my daughter the tools she needs to handle what she has to deal with.  By learning how to think before she replies she might be able to prevent some of the outbursts.  I no way can she control how they behave but she might be able to bypass some of the conversations.   It does seem my abusive ex-husband and his wife are ready to disagree with anything I tell our daughter.  So perhaps she should not say ‘My mom said’ and avoid the discussion all together.

I hope I am doing the right thing.  It is always hard to know when dealing with insanity of abuse.  My prayers are simple, please do not let my daughter go through years of healing from invisible wounds inflicted by her father and even myself.

Steps to Getting Over Emotional Abuse

My unresolved feelings from Past Memories & Conversations can continue to trigger hurt, anger, pain and fear in me.  It is impossible to change the past that contributed to the emotional trauma.  Steps have already been taken to remove myself from these verbal abusers.  Now, steps need to be taken to change these negative memories into positive ones.

  1. Leave Abusive Environment
  2. Create Safe Environment
  3. Create Boundaries
  4. Find a Healthy Outlet
  5. Create New Positive Experiences
  6. Focus on New Positive Memories
  7. Repeat Step 5 & 6

I have left the abuser and am no longer exposed to the daily abuse.  I am living in an environment where I feel safe and my abuser does not have access.  I have created boundaries to limit contact with my abusive ex-husband and stopped all contact with abusive ex-boss.  I have created this blog as an outlet to work through my unresolved feelings when I feel them.  Now I need to focus on the continuously creating new positive experiences.  These new positive experiences will continue to expand the positive memories I feel.  When these abusive memories come over me I need to remember I am safe, I have healthy outlets (journal, friends & professionals), and then I need to continue to expand positive memories.  Replace bad thoughts with the positive thoughts and memories.

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