Tag Archive | sexual abuse

Abuse Stories: A Dehumanizing Experience

Here is a story about verbal abuse from one of our readers:

Domestic Violence is a slow dehumanizing experience. I couldn’t even see it was happening. I wondered what was wrong with me. I thought it was abuse. I tried to get him to believe it was abuse. However, I should have just trusted my gut. I left him once, but I was embarrassed and I knew my religious parents would not accept my decision.

It started out with him dismissing how I felt. He was angry and yelled. I told him I didn’t like him yelling. I ask him to stop. Instead he broke the table into seven pieces and said, “He would show me what real yelling was like.” He continued to throw a fit and eventually stopped only after I broke down crying and apologized.

I was in the kitchen washing the dishes and I lived in Germany. The emotional, mental and verbal abuse was just a way to dehumanize me. Self doubt grew and the relationship dynamic began to change. It was not about a man and woman trying to care for each other. It was the first step of a man who wanted his way and nothing else. Had I known it would have led to me being repeatedly raped and abuse in every form. I believe I would have left. However, I thought he would eventually be able to change. The truth was never something he could admit. I was afraid of him and he didn’t consider that truth worth any value.

Later on in our relationship, it was little things. I was hungry and he would tell me I was not hungry. I was hurt and he would tell me I was not hurt or tired. I would ask to stop and go to the restroom and he would tell me to hold it. I was allowing myself to be controlled and IF I didn’t allow him to control me I would have to pay a price. He would withhold affection, if I didn’t do what he wanted. He would withhold money. He would withhold contact from my family. I couldn’t make phone calls home.

I worked and made money. However, I believed that the man should be in charge. I handled the finances but it was only IF he approved. He was terrible with money. So his commander actually told him to give me the finances and put him on a budget. I made about 15k and he made 12k. Yet, I couldn’t spend money except for $125 on groceries. He got $50 a week for candy, gum, and soda. This was not a choice. If he wasn’t allowed then he would throw a fit. We both got fun money for $50 a month. I saved mine up for 4 months.

The moment I finally decided to buy my item. He threw me down on a rock took all my money from my wallet. Handed me my drivers license and told me that was all I was. He took everything I had, tried to run me over with the car and abandoned me about 10 miles from our home. A soldier ask me if I was ok and asked if he should call the MP’s. I was disabled at the time and had difficulty walking for almost three years.

He knew that I couldn’t run. He felt powerful when he intimidated me.

Instead, I walked home because. I couldn’t take a cab. My husband who took my wallet with my credit cards and my money. By time I finally got home. He made me agree that I would buy a BOZE speakers with my money. I kept going for counseling, but no one explained it was abuse and I should leave. All I knew was, I hated my life. I was pregnant and knew that I was trapped. I could never leave. It was my wrong religious beliefs, pride and wrong mindsets that lead to wrong decisions.

It was at that point that he began to rape me. He used the Bible against me. The bible says not to withhold sex unless it is for prayer and for a short time. So now I had to have sex with him. Or he was allowed to go sleep with other women and it would be my fault. He had changed all of his actions. To only have consequences for me. He had no accountability for his lust of women or money. He would stare down women and then use me. I confronted him about lust and how it was not appropriate. His mouth would actually drop open when he looked at some women. It was difficult, because he was correct. I didn’t know his heart. But at this point, I knew he did not love me, he did not care if I was hungry, sleepy, hurt or lonely. Every need or desire I had would never be met.

Eventually, I became a mother and my children were my greatest joy. He decided to use them against me as well. I continued in church and raising my children. He went to Korea for a year. His sex addiction grew. I finally filed for divorce when my church support me in filing for a legal separation.

My daughter was in second grade. He had just returned from Korea. I and my son were both sick. He had been verbally and physically rough. But he force me to have sex with him. While he watched my daughter play with our neighbors granddaughter. She was outside watching my daughter and her granddaughter while she sprayed her plants. He said he loved her and wanted to watch them play while he forced me to have sex. I felt so sick. I had already gotten a counselor. We had doctor who worked with the sexual prisoners at the jail. He came to our house each week for 1 hour. He would not even come to the counseling session. I filed for a divorce. IF only this would have been the end. I had good alimony and full custody. But I was afraid.

He decided to see another counselor. So I stopped the divorce and we moved back to Kentucky. Where he basically, bid his time trying to drive me nuts. He had affairs and went to counseling with our pastor. But it was all a lie. He had a girlfriend he kept at his sisters and he still was out at bars. HIS sex addiction was a major problem. I didn’t think it involved anymore children, but I didn’t know.

He was grooming some of his nieces. I spoke to a counselor and she explained to me what he was doing. My mother confronted him for running his hands over his nieces breast in-front of her. Then he tried to convince me that his niece had never been at my moms. I knew she had been. I started noticing little things. I was in the pool and instead of carrying me around the pool or having any fun with me. He would carry his nieces around the pool and normally two at a time with his hands between their legs. He kept saying nothing was wrong. The were about thirteen and eleven. I was getting sick to my stomach.

The verbal, mental, and psychological abuse was a normal pattern. I remember he went out with his girlfriend and sister and I told him I was going. I went with him, but I didn’t have the guts to ask if they were dating. My son told me they were having an affair. I really was just concerned about my daughters and nieces safety.

My niece told me he made her uncomfortable. So I told her to tell a counselor. I told my counselor. She reported him to the cabinet. This investigation began in May 2005 and as soon as my husband got the paperwork. He filed for divorce and tried to have me declared of unsound mind. Legal abuse had occurred when I filed for divorce in Washington. But his lies were of no consequence to the case. The Kentucky divorce was built on so much perjury. He went to my work. I lost my job, my house, my kids. The school where I worked didn’t believe him. I had a restraining order, but he broke the order on the day I was volunteering at my school.

We got back together in June. He continued to lie in the courts. It was all about control I thought. We worked with counselors again. He didn’t care about me, the kids or what was best for them. I went with the counselor to the house. She pointed out that he could not continue to lie to his family. He had to admit to the affair and tell them what had occurred. He told me that he had full custody of the kids and I needed to return them to him. My counselor rode with me to take my children back to our house. I had an apartment that I had moved into in April. My parents had moved into it because their house was being built. I could believe that he really didn’t care about the children. He was all about winning. Or what he believed was winning.

I went in to talk with him and left the children and counselor in the car. She had come to persuade him. My son was sick with worry and she was very concerned for his well being. I went into the house alone and he tried to call the police on me and I grabbed the phone. Then he threw me against the dresser. My arms were swollen my back was messed up. He was thrilled with excitement, he ran to another room to call from the house phone. I went outside and My counselor told me we would have to leave the kids there. Or we would be breaking the court order. She took me to the hospital.

This was the first time I finally reported the physical abuse. They took photos and did a domestic violence exam. I couldn’t protect my children from him. The divorce court never could see the facts about the abuse. The court did something about the physical abuse. They gave him 22 weeks of anger control classes.

My divorce took about three years. He took me back to court to stop his pension and say that I owed back child support. The legal abuse has yet to be acknowledged by the court. However, I just learned that I need to see a victims advocate and point it out to her. The divorce court will not acknowledge it. I didn’t know that this whole time I was going to the wrong court about the perjury.

I won’t share the horrific stories. But I will say that I finally learned who he truly was during the divorce. While I was in the hospital. He called and instead of ask about me. He spoke to the social worker. All the abuse he had done to me. He basically told the story with him as the victim. So he definitely understood what he was doing was wrong.

His sex addiction and his issues with children were investigated but she said nothing could be proved. She pointed out to me that they knew men had broken children’s arms and unless the man admits to the wrong nothing happens. I was very gullible to believe that it would be substantiated. During my counseling I had asked my husband why he hid his brother raping the babysitter and molesting his two step sisters. I was enraged that he would hide the information. Even today, I have not yet told my children about their father. However, this is my first step. My counselor told me to start telling the truth to people. I really do not want to tell my children. However, I believe they should at-least know. They are adults now and my granddaughter is my concern.

I also decided to finally go forward regarding the legal abuse. I figure the recurring rape is not something I want to pursue. But I honestly would like for all of it to be told. I listen to Joyce Meyers story and I think how it helped me to grow. I was sexually molested when I was in 8th grade by a group of guys. Plus later, I was raped by a boyfriend and then a stranger. It really changed me. I am not powerless. The truth does set us free.

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Verbal Abuse is Worse than Physical Abuse

Verbal AbuseFirst, let me begin by saying that I am not discounting physical abuse at all.  If someone is physically abusive it highly unlikely they are not emotionally & verbally abusive too.  If someone feels it is their right to physically abuse their partner or child they must be manipulative, controlling and use some methods of justification for their ‘reasons’ for physical abuse.

“If he ever hits me, I will be out the door.” I said to myself, but with my own believe of what ‘abuse’ was I was giving him permission to do anything else, including; verbal abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse and financial abuse.

Society really paints a picture of abuse as being physical in nature.  Abuse is Verbal, Mental, Sexual, Economical, Emotional as well as Physical.  I also read from a source that abuse can also be Digital and I agree with that too.

  • I cannot recall anyone ever telling me if someone makes you feel like less of a person you know yourself to be, that is abuse!
  • If someone uses words as their weapons to hurt you, that is abuse.
  • If someone uses finances as a way to control you, that is abuse.
  • If your husband is determined to have sex with you even after you say ‘No’, that is rape.
  • If your husband uses your children against you as a weapon, that is abuse!

The problem I have found with verbal abuse was that I did not recognize it was happening.  The damage was internal, causing bruises nobody could see and causing other forms of external physical illness as my only signs of abuse.  All of the symptoms I had could be explained away by doctors as stress, IBS or depression.  I had no idea my physical illnesses were being caused by my relationship with my husband and my toxic home environment.

When my daughter was about 6 months old I took a vacation and my husband decided not to go with me.  I was on vacation for an entire week.   I felt much better during that week than I had in a long time.  When I returned home I began feeling bad again.  So I started thinking I was allergic to something in the house, perhaps it was mold, pollen or dust.  I really did not get it that my husband had created such anxiety in me that his physical presence actually caused reactions in my body.

Three years later I left him and filed for divorce.  I drove to my parents house and the further away I got from him the better I felt.  When my cell phone would ring and I saw that it was him calling my head would start hurting, my chest would tighten up, and my stomach would start to hurt.  At one point I remember my chest releasing for the first time in years and I could finally breathe a true deep breath.  I had no idea how tight my chest had been for so long.  I use to have difficulty breathing and I felt like someone was sitting my chest and this was anxiety.

I remember my chest releasing for the first time in years and I could finally breathe a true deep breath.  I had been dealing with chronic anxiety and did not know it.

After a couple months separation I decided to give him one last chance.  Thankfully I am still here to this day because when you are dealing with abusers I truly believe it is not a matter if they will hit you, but when they will hit you.  In fact, studies say that women often make decisions to go back to their abuser based on what has not happened.  There are awful stories about women returning to their abusers for the last time and they are murdered.  They say it takes women an average of 7 times to leave your abuser, before they finally leave for good.  I think that is about the number of times I left my ex-husband while we were dating and married.

While I was married to my abuser I could not understand why other women stayed.  I really wanted our marriage to work, I did not want to get divorced, I was worried if I could financially support my child and I was afraid to leave my ex-husband.  The truth is my abusive ex-husband is far worse in his behavior to me now than he was when we were married.  The good thing is I do not have to live with him every day and I feel safe in my home.

My ex-husband is not allowed to come into my house ever.  That is the rule because I have a right to feel safe in my own home.  The first year I left him I was afraid.  I remember keeping the doors locked, blinds closed, garage closed and I was so afraid of him.  Then I began to find myself again and my personal strength.  I could not control if he wanted to kill me when I walked outside my house.  I had to start living my life.

I believe part of the reason he continues to abuse me (often through our child) is because he wants to see me suffer.  My best guess is he can’t stand that I am doing okay without him, that I am happier without him and that I don’t want to have any sort of relationship with him.  He is no longer in control of me or my life and I know that is killing him.  He is remarried and should be focusing on his wife and yet he continues to commit ‘Separation Abuse’ by obsessing about me and constantly pumping our child for the information.

Sources:

Abuse Warning Signs – Something is Wrong

There are sometimes warning signs, that tell you something is wrong, but you are unable to do anything about it.  There is also gut instincts that also tell you something is not right and you are unable to find any logical explanation.

There was a lot of strange things going on about 4 years ago with my daughter.  I use to write notes to myself as a way of documenting the unexplained events.  These kind of complaints went on for about two years and everything I did from doctor’s visits, contacting my ex-husband and even had to file a report with the Children’s Protection Agency gave no answers.  I have omitted my daughter’s name for her protection.

I truly wanted to just prohibit her from going to visit her father, because clearly something was wrong, but the law would be on his side.  My attorney had told me unless she admitted something was happening, there was nothing I can do.  I also had people telling me that perhaps she enjoyed the attention her complaints brought, although I know at the age of 5 (when it started) there is no way she would complain about something like that without good reason.  These really appeared to be symptoms of sexual abuse, and the bizarre things with my daughter sleeping in the same room with her father did nothing to make these concerns go away.  In fact, while we were married he slept in the guest room, something I felt was rather bizarre.  Then he remarries and doesn’t sleep with his second wife?

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Sunday 12/03/2006 – Memo Note to Self
Julie came home from her dad’s house then she and I went to walmart to buy her a desk.  When we got home I told her to take a bath.  She was crying and calling for me.  She said her vagina hurt.  I asked her what it felt like.  Did it it burn, itch… She said it stung.

I asked her if she had a bath at her father’s house, she said she did on Saturday.  I asked her if anyone helped her bathe.  She said she did it.  So we talked about cleaning and hygene a little.  Then I asked her if their dog slept in her room.  She said she slept in the guestroom with her dad.

She is taking a bath now and I am calling her pediatrician again tomorrow.

I have discussed this with her counselor, this has been happening for more than two years and so far I have no explanation or facts of what is going on .

Symptoms of Sexual Abuse

Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

I found that 5/10 of these symptoms have been present in my daughter.  Although I would hate for this to have been what was happening, how can a mother possibly ignore the signs?

Symptoms

Symptoms of sexual abuse in chlildren are similar to those of depression or severe anxiety and nervousness. They can include:

  • Bowel disorders, such as soiling oneself (encopresis) Yes
  • Eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa
  • Genital or rectal symptoms, such as pain during a bowel movement or urination, or vaginal itch or discharge Yes
  • Repeated headaches
  • Sleep problems Yes
  • Stomach aches (vague complaints)

Children who are abused may:

  • Display disruptive behaviors such as using alcohol and street drugs or engaging in high-risk sexual behaviors
  • Do poorly in school Yes
  • Have excessive fears Yes
  • Withdraw from normal activities