Tag Archive | verbal abuse recovery

Reasons For No Contact With Abusers

There are several reasons why you should consider going No Contact with Abusers, Narcissists, and Emotional Manipulators. There may be reasons why you cannot block the person, but you can take steps to ensure you are not surprised by their emails.

Emotional Health

You deserve to protect your emotional health from abuser, narcissist, and/or emotional manipulator. If they send emails that are not constructive and do not offer any value you may want to consider blocking them completely. If this person cannot behave properly and uses emails for personal attacks, threaten or bully, emotionally blackmail, or send blatant lies; you may want to keep these messages out of your life for good.

Lets face it, this person has learned enough about you to know exactly what to say to hurt you, push your buttons, or make you feel bad. A person who is constantly using email to lash out to hurt you is not emotionally well or healthy and has not earned the right to continue contacting you. This is a perfect time to create some boundaries to protect your emotional wellbeing.

Boundaries – a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. This is like setting up a wall to protect yourself from people who are not trustworthy or are unhealthy. This wall can serve to allow healthy inside this wall and keeping unhealthy people out.

Another reason, lets say you receive an hateful email, and you choose not to respond. You may find yourself playing those hateful messages inside your head all day long. There is no reason for that and it is healthier for you to go No Contact instead.

Do This

Block Them

If you do not have any good reasons to receive their communications, it may make sense to block them in your phone. There is no reason to allow them to call or send you text messages. Phone calls are harder to control with an abusive person. Even if you have mentally prepared yourself for this phone call keeping the call under control can be a challenge. Text message are similar to email, but it is harder to save these message unless you screenshot all your messages. You may be resistant to blocking them off completely, but this will help you move on and become stronger.

Email Hacks

If blocking them is not possible, here are some email hacks to help control the situation better. You may want to consider creating a special folder and create a rule when those email(s) show up it automatically moves it into that folder or smart mailbox. By keeping these emails out of your Inbox, it will give you time to mentally prepare yourself before reading those messages. This will prevent the email from popping in the middle of the day when you are unprepared. If you are unprepared, you may find yourself reacting in you response instead of responding.

Reacting vs Responding

Reacting means than you are not in control of you response. For example, if you received a hateful email and sent an immediate reply, you response may be full of anger, frustration, and may provoke back and forth. For example, if you were having a bad day and this email showed up unexpected, you might be more apt to react to the situation.

Responding means you are in control of you response and tone. You may have received a hateful email, but you take time, pause, take deep breaths, or maybe even respond at another time or day. When you take time to think about how you would like to respond helps you reply with controlled responses. Taking time will help you avoid responding when you are emotionally charged with fear, hurt, or anger.

Maybe, Don’t Do This

Yesterday, I received an email from my abusive ex-husband’s wife. Whenever she sends me emails they are condescending, rude, an full of personal attacks. Although I have received less emails than I used to from my ex-husband, it hadn’t occurred to me to create a special folder for her emails into. There is no reason for her to talk to me. She is extremely abusive and unhealthy and I really do not need that in my life.

I didn’t exactly react, but I didn’t exactly respond either. So you can see why putting this in a special folder to avoid random emails. As, I mentioned in one of my previous posts, it seems like his wife is doing my ex-husband’s dirty work. I consider her like his personal minion and doing his bidding.

[To Me]

It has been over 30 days since a payment has been received for [daughter’s name] medical/dental expenses. Please advise when a payment will be rendered.

[From Minion]

My response:

[To Minion]

Check your mail.

Ask your husband, maybe he is hiding money in another account like he did with me. (include a screenshot of this payment sent out by the bank 7 days ago on Oct 13th) This message was truthful, but I really didn’t need to say it, but my frustrations were high after receiving another email from her and this is how I responded. So of course she is going to strike back. 

[From Me]

Her response:

[To Me]

My husband is an amazing man. He would give his right arm for me. He showers me with gifts all the time just Bc he loves me.  No deception in our marriage. The man I know would push someone in front of a bullet and save himself. We have never talked about these things, maybe deep down she knows there is a problem.

We have only receive a payment of $100.00 from you. Should I make a google spreadsheet for you to keep a running outstanding balance for you?  I don’t think I need to. Stop playing games and step-up to your mothers responsiblilites.

[From Minion]

My response, I have really grown tired of her bullying:

[To Minion]

My motherly duties exist since I gave birth to her and raised her for over 17 years with just a smidgen of your involvement. I will always be a REAL mother and have the responsibility as a REAL mother.

Oh my! Someone went on a tangent. Insecurities much?? How did you go from payments to “he showers me with gifts.” Weird. I did voice these thoughts with the help of a dear friend. There are so many things I would love to say, but I continue to hold back. 

[From Me]

Her response, really hateful and full of lies:

[To Me]

You make me laugh. [Daughter’s name] is healthy and thriving living with us. Everyday we peel back the layers of damage you have done to her.  No one falls for your victim act anymore.  Take a look in the mirror.  I’m sure you don’t like what’s looking back.  

I know you will respond to this bc you have a “last worder” personality & that makes me laugh, too. This was a low blow and my good friend even said, watch out when she replies, they will hit below the belt… and she did. 

[From Minion]

Get Healthy Support

After sending this message to one of my trusted friends who has known me for more than ten years she sent a text back saying:

Oh, she is lying!!!!

She is using a strategy of the narcissist (and some addicts): they don’t accept any responsibility for what they did (THEY damaged [daughter’s name]), but they are quick to say “It’s all your fault.”

It’s a sick game. Sick, sick, sick.

Another good friend said this:

Just remember they may try to hit below the belt like they have done in the past. Don’t let it get to you.

If they reply, just laugh because you will know you got to them.

All email screenshots were sent to my counselor along with this comment:

Okay. Trying not to let her message affect me. I know I didn’t damage my daughter. I did thrown the ball back a few times. I know better. I am just tired of being bullied by them.

My counselor replied:

I think it is okay to fight back. She sounds awful.

Last Response

There are no regrets over sending this message. Plus, there is no sickness in my stomach. Also, I thought about it carefully and waited all day. A good friend helped me with the wording and this was not sent when I was angry. Now their email will go to a special and forgotten folder. Once my daughter has graduated I will block the both of them completely. I also know this response is hitting her below the belt and isn’t exactly that nice. I am just sick of being a doormat for my ex-husband and his wife. There is no reason for them to speak to me the way they do. In the past, I have always taken the high road and it doesn’t stop them from attacking. So, I realize no matter how I respond, it will not have a positive response ever.

Closing Thoughts

So, do what you need to do to create a healthy atmosphere. I have created my folders and rules for both my ex-husband and his wife. I am not going to be caught off-guard again. It is time to stop allowing their emails to show up unexpected. It is time to set up healthy boundaries to prevent toxic elements from entering my life.

Songs About Abusive Relationships

Over the years, I have always been able to identify with lyrics of songs. There are so many songs written about being hurt by abusive people, narcissists, and emotional manipulators. A few songs like Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson, Fighter by Christina Aguilera, and now this song Praying by Kesha. Knowing others have struggled and I am not alone in these experiences. That is also another reason I write in this blog so that maybe it will help someone else who is going through something similar.

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

On more than one occasion, my ex had me believing I wouldn’t be able to survive without him. He said he didn’t want me living in some “roach infested apartment”. He told me I wouldn’t be able to get a job because I didn’t have a college degree, that no one would hire me. These were all lies, I have accomplished so much and he was wrong about everything. I have a great husband, wonderful job, and live in a beautiful home.

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

Living with my ex-husband was never without chaos and daily insanity. Every day I walked on eggshells and the environment was so toxic that I became sick all the time. In fact, I was worried that I had cancer or would eventually die and then my daughter would be left with him. Also, I was afraid to leave him because I was sick, but he was the reason I was sick. I wrote about this in one of my blog posts Was My Husband Poisoning Me or Was the Relationship Toxic?

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’

Despite all my ex-husband and his wife have done. I still do not wish them ill will, in fact I wish they would find a higher power (or God) and be happy. This is something I have prayed for not only for myself, but for my daughter as well. Not that I haven’t wished on a few occasions that he would stop breathing, but these moments are short.

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh
When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name

At times I have focused on the negative more than the positive. There was a time in my life where more negative things seemed to happen over positive things. But that is not today! Today I have many things to be grateful for and I have to remind myself to think that way. This past year has been especially difficult, but I am too strong to let it knock me down. Today, I continue to become a stronger and healthier person. Maybe without my ex-husband I wouldn’t have had so much motivation to get healthier and stronger.

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

In 2004, I left my ex-husband for the final time. I have never regretted the decision to leave to this day. At one point I remember the pain of the present was greater the fear of the unknown. Then I had to navigate being a single parent and parenting with an abusive ex-husband.

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Someday, maybe you’ll see the light
Oh, some say, in life, you’re gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

I definitely still wish him the best. I still pray for good things for my ex-husband and his wife. I hope he will wake up and see the truth of what he has been doing. Not for me, but for my daughter. She deserves that from her father.

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’

The reason I like this song is because it does speak of being hurt by someone, but it also focuses on the hope and future. This song talks about forgiveness for those who wronged you. This forgiveness is not for the other person it is for myself. Letting go of resentments. There is a saying in Alanon about resentments being like poison, but that they only harm the one with the resentments.

“Resentments are like swallowing poison, but hoping someone else will die.”

I will continue to focus on joy and happiness. I have come too far to allow his negativity to continue to be part of my life. One day, I think my daughter will come to see the truth and understand. Now my focus needs to be on continuing to work on my own health and become the healthiest person possible.

Surviving Emotional and Verbal Abuse

Lately, I have been listening to the P!nk Radio station and the song Titanium comes on every so often. Every time I have heard this song it touches me deep inside. Today, after hearing this song once again, I realize my thoughts need to change to one of strength again. The reason my ex-husband does not seem able to move on is because he knows I am happy now. I have survived without him and even thrived without him.

I’m bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium

Today, I have little reason to speak with my ex-husband. This past year has been more than difficult. My daughter choosing to go live with my ex-husband and the tension in our relationship has cut me  deep. One year ago, it was difficult to function and I am quite sure it was depression. After about 4-5 months, I started forcing myself to work out and work on my hobbies. Overtime it was no longer something I had to force myself to do. Today, I am still very sad over what has happened with my daughter and myself. It felt like he won and I was beaten. I no longer want to feel like he won.

So this song Titanium was written by co-written by David Guetta and sung by Sia. Although the version I have heard lately was a ballad sung by Madilyn Bailey. This song was written thinking about someone with a strong hearted and strong willed person. This song describes ignoring the words or abuse and allows it to bounce off us or ricochet. Saying that we need to stand our ground. This is a message of strength for those who deal with bullies.

The reason this strikes a chord with me is because isn’t this what abusive people do when they continue to attack us with words and lies? Aren’t they just bullies? They make up untrue versions of stories and work to get people to take their side. Convince others that you are the “crazy” one and the “problem”. They seek to hurt someone else in every way possible. The only issue is we are dealing with Narcissists, I am not sure they ever feel remorse. Although I am also sure they are never actually happy.

Another challenge to this situation is that people who have not experienced emotional and verbal abuse think you should just move on and “get over it”. Over the years, I have done a great job of taking the higher ground and doing my best not to sink to his level. Don’t get me wrong; there have been occasions I wish the man were dead. Sadly, there have been times I questioned if I could go on like this?

My ex-husband did a great job of making me afraid to leave him all those years ago. He did an excellent job of making me believe he would kill me if I ever left. Initially, I remember being afraid to leave my blinds open. At that time his behavior was so irrational and had no idea what he was capable of doing. Plus, he was drinking and doing drugs and that created even more uncertainty. It also took me a while to adjust to the peace and quiet in the home. I had become so used to chaos and drama that I didn’t know how to live without it.

He also did a great job of putting our daughter in the middle and using her as a pawn to do his dirty work (much like he does with his wife today). He spent years manipulating her and working to turn her against me. His ultimate goal, I believe, was just tor hurt me. My mother would say, “We don’t know that.” How could it not be more clear that he doesn’t care about his daughter’s emotional well being. He is okay with putting her in the middle and trying to get her on “his side”. He also took advantage of a teenage girl’s differences with her mother as the perfect opportunity to get her to agree to move in with him. He promised her cars and a license as long as she moved in with him. Just to save himself a year and a half of child support. None of of this was about our daughter.

Today, I am a strong person and I refuse to allow my ex-husband to rent space in my head for the rest of my life. It is sad that he has turned our teenager against me and I truly hope she come around. It pains me that it may be best to let her go so I can be healthy. Right now, she is living in his home and does not seem to be independent from my ex-husband. I need separation from my ex-husband and to move on.

This song describes how they are the ones who get hurt. In some ways that is true. How can someone who spends so much time and energy trying to make another person miserable even be slightly happy? Also, how can his wife be happy with her husband spending so much energy trying to control situations around me. It is sad because our daughter is the casualty of his warfare and I realize I cannot save her. However, she knows strength through me and I believe she will remember that as she matures.

Cut me down
But it’s you who has further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I’m talking loud not saying much

I realize, some time needs to be spent working on myself and feeling my own strength again. It can be difficult because my loved ones don’t quite understand verbal abuse. My own mother often will say “get over it”. My ex-husband has been pretty relentless over the years. The ultimate hit came when he turned our daughter against me. This emotional assault knocked me down further than I have even fallen in the past. I refuse to stay down and I refuse to allow him to win his sick twisted game.

Verbal Abuse versus Physical Abuse

verbal abuse learningMy blog posts mainly describe the experiences of a relationship with a verbally abusive man. The reason for this is because that is my personal experience and I can only tell it from that perspective. In no way am I implying that women are not abusive or narcissistic. In fact, I believe that emotional abuse crosses all boundaries and does not discriminate based on age, race, or gender.

My personal experience is mainly describing verbal abuse because he never hit me and it took me the longest time to figure out I was in an abusive relationship. I also have a post that states that Verbal Abuse is Worse than Physical Abuse. Although, there have been a few comments from people who disagree with that statement. The reason I say that is because how long someone can endure emotional abuse without even knowing they are in an abusive relationship. When I make this statement, “it was domestic abuse… but he never hit me” am I not minimizing the abuse?

It was domestic abuse… but he never hit me.  No, it was domestic abuse. Period.

Most of us understand what a physically abusive relationship looks like and we have seen it portrayed in television, movies, and talked about in the news. What nobody ever prepared me for was how to watch out for the subtle warning signs of a toxic verbally abusive relationship. An emotionally abusive relationship can absolutely tear you down emotionally. Many people have also made comments that long after their bruises healed, the pain of emotional abuse can last a lifetime… unless you continue to work on yourself, then I believe the pain lessens.

My relationship made me physically ill and it actually made me question my own sanity. In fact, I was so physically ill and was often visiting doctors trying to figure out what was wrong. Unfortunately, doctors couldn’t diagnose “bad marriage” based on my symptoms. Actually, I take that back, one doctor finally asked me “How is your marriage?”  I had never realized that a relationship could make you ill. I thought perhaps I am just one of those people who is sick.

The verbal abuse I experienced as a child with my father had a lot to do with why I picked a verbally abusive man to marry. I had no other frame of reference and that relationship probably felt pretty normal. During my childhood, my mother was continuously selecting less than healthy men. My stepfather was an alcoholic. I am not sure what was wrong with the other guys, but those relationships were not healthy and did not work out. So, I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. I am not blaming my mother because I know she did the best she knew how to do at the time. She is much healthier and strong today than she was when I was a kid.

Early in our relationship, I was only twenty-one years old and so young. When I first wrote in my journal about him, I kept saying how he was a too good to be true. That he was so handsome, intelligent, and how much I enjoyed our conversations. These feelings did not last long before I ended up in total confusion of why our relationship was so difficult. My gut instinct told me that it just shouldn’t be this hard. However, he would tell me, “All relationships have problems, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.” Oftentimes, he would make me feel it was my fault or my perspective that was the real problem.

Learning how not to let other people affect how I feel is still a challenge. My ex-husband had given me plenty of practice. Also, I had to learn how to setup and keep boundaries over the years. Plus, I had to realize that most people who wanted to give advice on that matter had zero experience dealing with controlling people like my ex-husband. Oftentimes, their advice that I need to keep trying to work with my abusive ex-husband was not the best advice. Keep reading, keep learning, keep growing, never stop… even when you fall down… get back up and learn some more.

The definition of insanity is when you keep trying to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

What I learned was trying different things over and over with my ex-husband was rather pointless. He has proven over the years that he does not want to get along. It seemed that he enjoyed the chaos and drama all while claiming he didn’t want that.

Perhaps in my next post we can talk about setting up boundaries with your abusive ex husband (or wife) because that is so important for personal health.

In Alanon we have a great saying…

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Dealing with Emotions Post Verbal Abuse

emotions post abuseIt has been a few weeks since the last time I wrote a post. Lately, I have had a difficult time putting my thoughts together. My emotions are quite overwhelming at this time, too much has happened in the past few months. I guess that is why it is so difficult to write my thoughts.

Today, I feel like my ex-husband won his twisted game. Although I left him more than twelve years ago, he never stopped bothering me or trying to mess with me. My therapist said that every boundary I put in place to protect myself took away his control, this caused him to continue to use anything he could… especially our daughter… to regain control. She said that there is no way to work with his type of personality.

This, week she said to work on talking about how I feel instead of what I think. Dealing with feelings of Anger, Sadness, Fear, Disgust post Verbal Abuse. Learning to accepting emotions is one part of the journey towards healing.

Anger… Well, I feel pissed off right now. I feel so angry at my ex-husband for messing up the relationship I had with my daughter. Sure, I probably made some mistakes, but I always had her best interest at heart. This just absolutely hurts that she chose to go live with him. At seventeen, she just doesn’t see that permissive parenting or being ‘her friend’ is not best for her. She wants this freedom, car, and material things he is offering. My rules and wanting her to be responsible she considers is just controlling.

On some days, I feel really pissed off at myself. I choose this man more than twenty years ago and because I wasn’t strong enough to leave him all those years ago… now my daughter has been affected too. Plus, I doubled down in my bad decision by marrying the man and I was naive enough to believe I could divorce him and just move on with my life. Who knew he would continue with his relentless manipulation and abuse for twelve more years! Ultimately, he was able to make our daughter hate me and so now I feel like he really won his twisted game.

Sadness… I also feel really sad right now. It really hurts that my daughter picked her father over me. Of course, I feel she never should have had to make that choice in the first place. When my ex-husband would ask her questions about our lives, I would tell my daughter to say, “I don’t know dad, ask my mom.” Or say, “Dad, I really do not want to be in the middle.” However, she was never strong enough to resist him and would tell him whatever he wanted to know. Little did she know he was taking that information to use against our family. She had no idea she was playing a key role in his sick game.

Fear… I also feel extremely afraid for the future. One reason is the picture our daughter posted in her Homecoming dress looked like a girl in her early twenties instead of being seventeen. She was wearing a white skin tight, strapless and rather short dress. She was wearing red high heals and red lipstick. Plus, with that bleach blonde hair she got over the summer, she no longer looks like the girl I remember. I am afraid of the attention she is going to get for dressing that way.

My comment was, “You look very grown up.” I really didn’t feel so proud of that look, it was not age appropriate for a seventeen year old junior in high school. My therapist was rather surprised her father was okay with her looking like that. She said it was almost as if our daughter was an extension of himself. She said it was rather strange. Some of this may be due to her stepmother’s influence. A few years ago, she told my daughter she wanted a wedding ring that made her hand fall to the ground. She also said my daughter should pick some rich to marry like she did. Not exactly wise things to tell a young girl.

Disgust… I also feel disgusted at my ex-husband that he is so sick he would use his own daughter as a pawn. His desire to get vengeance against me for whatever reason is not right. I used to believe he was pissed off at me, but for what? When we were married, he was the one lying, cheating, hiding money, and acting like a bachelor. Although I think this is more about control and maybe my leaving him made me the enemy. Funny, he is married now, but it seems like he is still completely focused on me. How can his wife tolerate that?  Even my husband says he thinks my ex still has a thing for me… like the one that got away.

Now that he has our daughter living with him, not talking to me, what is next? Is is possible now that he has won his stupid game he will go away. Last time I talked to my daughter she said she wouldn’t come here as long as my husband lived here. My husband won’t tolerate my daughter’s crap and that is the primary problem. He may be sarcastic, but he has been more of a father than her dad for all these years.

I guess we will never know all the things that have been said to our daughter. My ex-husband is highly manipulative and would never say anything directly. He would come in sideways, like snake, and would sound super supportive and helpful with some passive comment meant to influence her thoughts.

How someone can be so cold and calculating, I will never understand. My mind simply does not work that way. Narcissist… sociopath… alcoholic… I really cannot tell you what the true diagnosis is of my ex-husband. Healthy people just don’t behave that way and they wouldn’t inflict harm on their own child.

Perhaps accepting that I have emotions and that it is okay to feel them is just one part of the process of healing. I know I am not the only one going through this, so many others have posted on Facebook. However, I must believe that what was meant for bad will eventually have good come from it. My personal faith is that there must be a reason God is letting this happen right now. Lessons to learn or something good is meant to come from all of this.

Are you going through something similar?